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Well, you’ve either made it through my last posts without being smacked silly or you have been and liked it. In either case, you’ve made it to a turning point in your new relationship. If you haven’t already, it’s time for your new love to meet the tribe.
Hubby likes to meet my dates before we go out, because it makes him more comfortable with me being out with a stranger. We don’t have a vetting process, but I appreciate having a perspective other than my own, and he’s generally a good judge of people. I trust his opinion, and he’s been correct for the most part. I like the two to meet before the rest of the family gets involved. It makes it less overwhelming for my date, and it gives he or she and Hubby a chance to bond a little bit as metamours.
Once we’ve gone on a few dates and feel comfortable as a couple in a controlled environment I like to introduce new partners in a light setting. I generally prefer to have it be a public outing or occasion where everyone feels on even ground, and something laid back in fun to reduce tension and anxiety.
If everyone gets along it’s great. If not it doesn’t immediately dissolve the new relationship, but it does limit things a bit. We push to foster a sense of family and community, and if there’s an impasse it greatly stunts the progression of a new relationship. Sometimes it’s a matter of mere growing pains, and with time the kinks can be worked out. At other times it’s an irreconcilable issue. I’ve never encountered a situation where a partner and Hubby couldn’t stand to be in the same room together, but I have had metamours refuse to ever meet me. In the end one of the relationships will fail if we cannot either smooth out the problem or live double lives. I would never consider the latter a viable option.
We are not a family who believe in shielding our children from our lifestyle, therefore where there are kids involved there is a second family outing, one that centers around them. Thus far I admit this has only concerned small children, but only time will tell how it will work with older children and teenagers. When people ask how kids can benefit from or this kind of lifestyle I remind them that children are without preconceived notions about what love and family looks like. Children are not as easily confused as we think they should be. They will accept what we show them as reality, and as long as what we show them is an honest, open, loving family they will be happy, well-loved children. There is nothing wrong with that.
What advice can I give to you as you introduce a new partner to your family? Be yourself. Don’t act differently with either your family or your new love. Don’t feel a need to entertain everyone. Your family will do just fine on their own. Let them all get to know each other naturally. Don’t feel a need to constantly be at your new partner’s side. Let him represent himself, but do quietly check in once in a while to make sure he’s not too overwhelmed, especially if this is his first poly experience. Follow up later with everyone, as if your family would hold their tongues anyway.
My advice for family members meeting a new partner? Again, be yourself. This is a friendly introduction, not an interrogation. Remember what it was like to be new and nervous. Remember all the mistakes you might have made and consider your reaction if the family had been this particular about your first impression. You’re not losing status, and you don’t need to prove your place or experience. Just relax and have fun getting to know someone new who has obviously really connected with someone you love.
Lastly, my advice to a new partner? Can you guess? Be yourself. These people are a part of this new step in your life and this new love you’ve found. Embrace them and think of them as valuable resources. How often do new relationships come with living manuals? Last but not least, don’t let them intimidate you. You mean an awful lot to someone. Find strength and pride in that and let them love you, too.
The last piece of advice I can give is one I’ve given before. Remember that this relationship is unique, and it will continue to be unique as it becomes a part of the greater family structure. You must let your new partner’s relationships with the rest of the family form as they will, without interfering or trying to control them. This new addition will ripple throughout the family and indelibly change its inner workings. The more you can let that happen organically the better the transition will go and the stronger the new family unit will be.
Congratulations! You made it past the first few dates and have started to develop a relationship with a new partner! I won’t assume my last piece had anything to do with it, but with the timing and all I will accept it as a coincidence and thank fate for proving my points. In any case, now let’s examine your current state for a moment.
I’m going to bet you’re giddy and excited. You’re smiling even through mundane every day tasks, you can’t stop thinking about this new step in your life or the person you’re taking it with, and when you’re together the rest of the world either vanishes or becomes paradise depending on the glasses you’re wearing that day.
This is what we call NRE, or New Relationship Energy, and it’s like sweet Ambrosia after an extended period of failed expectations and frustrating encounters. Enjoy it. This is where the foundation of your new relationship is built, where you begin to discover what it will look like, and when you really start to get to know your new lover. This is a time of firsts. I reiterate, enjoy it. Don’t let the worries about where you’re going, what you’re doing, or what this new person in your life thinks of every little thing you do or say hold you back from being who you are and living in the process, not three steps ahead of it.
Be yourself. If she can’t accept you now for who you are she won’t be able to accept you in the long run, so stop worrying about it and just let yourself be in the moments. Take the opportunity to do something new. Form your identity as a couple, and do not attempt to replicate your other relationships, and do not try to compare them, because this is not any other relationship but this one. Every couple is unique, as are the roadblocks and tender moments each one will have. Embrace these differences. If every partnership you have is identical what’s the point in being poly?
Finding balance. While NRE and building new bonds is important, so are other priorities in you life, like your job and existing partners. It’s easy to lose track and let all your time and energy be absorbed by something new, but the rest of your life still needs attention as well. Make sure to keep up communication with your established partners, as they may be feeling some growing pains. Sharing your new experience while setting aside some quality time for them can strengthen that bond and ease any inner struggles that may be forming, allowing them to feel compersion instead of insecurities about an unknown situation. Use this as an opportunity to do something you haven’t done in a while or even try something new yourselves. Take out that relationship bucket list and cross something off. Reconnect with what brought you together, and even what made you poly.
On the flip side, remember that you are poly, especially if this is your first multiple relationship. Don’t wrestle with questions about your established partner’s motives or feelings. You both agreed to the terms of your poly relationship. If you start to feel uneasy you should talk about it, but don’t let your second guessing pull you away from giving your time and energy to your new love. Believe me, you’ll all miss out on a lot that way, and you will not be able to fully enjoy polyamory until you can master this hesitation.
The last hurdle with NRE is when it starts to end, or rather when it starts to transition to become an established bonded relationship. This is where a lot of people feel a drop. This is where you start to say things like “you never XYZ anymore!”. This is where a lot of relationships end, because when the buzz wears off and a routine starts to form many people feel like they fall into a rut. For some it’s true that the only thing they ever had in common was an addiction to NRE, but to me this is when the real relationship begins. If you can enjoy the NRE for what it was and truly own and embrace the meat of the relationship that has developed you will find that it’s worth it. You don’t have to stop having the adventures and experiences, but now you have them as a couple with an amazing bond and a solid foundation. You have built something that will survive the setbacks and enrich all your lives. Do not mourn the end of the NRE, welcome the beginning of a new journey.
Next Week: My final installment. Family introductions.
Even when I’m not home it is extremely important to me to say goodnight to those I love. Unfortunately it doesn’t always seem as important to Hubby, but he’s making an effort to be more consistent, and I love him for taking the time from what he’s doing to do so.
Why the importance?
Words hold intent and meaning. Just as any well wish or curse affects the person it’s delivered to, a goodnight sets a vibration in motion.
With both of my parents saying goodnight was a ritual, each one being completely unique. Even at 30 years old, when I’m visiting my father I still make a point to kiss him and my grandparents goodnight before I go to bed. It’s a very smooth and natural end to a day, no matter how stressful or chaotic, to know one is loved.
A much more deep psychological association? My mother passed away in the middle of the night. She wasn’t asleep, but my last goodbye to her was casual and rushed before hanging up the phone. I’m not trying to be morbid. I never expect Hubby, another partner, or myself to die in our sleep, but somehow there seems to be a little more awareness in a goodnight, even if it’s followed by fighting for the covers and nudging a snoring Hubby to his other side so he stops shoving his elbows in my face.
Try it. If it’s not in your usual nightly routine to take a moment to focus on your partner, whether next to you or far away, and say some form of “I love you. Goodnight”, try it for a week. Feel the difference. It’s a wonderful way to dream.
We’ve all been there. One of us gets the idea that Date Night is a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great idea when you’ve reached a point where all your time spent as a couple is spent cleaning or running errands. The caveat is that once you plan a date night you need to find something to fill that time, especially in the winter when temperatures make it hard to keep a smile that isn’t just frozen on your face when outdoors. Luckily you’ve got a voice of experience to give you a few favourites in my book..
The family that glows together. I happen to love mini golf, but golfing in 20 degree weather can be a bit much, and until recently there were no local places to play indoors. The ones that have popped up are just as fun and challenging as any outdoor courses I’ve played, and they’re usually some form of blacklight glow golf! If you’re in Florida you get the added benefit of lizards. The last time we were in Kissimmee it turned into a side game to score lizard avoidance because they would sit on the course or run across it as our balls were in motion. Fun!
Drive Each Other Crazy! If you’re blessed enough to live somewhere warm enough to be outdoors, like the Fun Spot in Orlando, find a go-kart track and go! Drive doubles or singles, and take a romantic ride on the Ferris Wheel. Just make sure you go in the photo booth before the ride in the bumper boats with water cannons on them. Or don’t, and make it sexy!
Life’s a Picnic. Pack your favourite lunch or desserts and head out for a relaxing picnic. Again, if you’re lucky enough to live in a warm climate, go to the park or beach. If not, maybe wander through a museum, aquarium, or indoor farmer’s market. Don’t try to picnic in the snow unless it’s a hot chocolate picnic.
Take a Scavenger Hunt! Have you guys heard of Watson Adventures? You should have. I’ve written about them before. They’re awesome! With hunts themed for adults and children of varied interests, you can wander through art and science museums, farmer’s markets, historic neighborhoods, and zoos. Make your family a team, or split up and see who gets the most answers!
Be a Bunch of Tourists. Head to a local brewery, historic site, or factory and take a tour. I am constantly amazed by the places around us that I have never heard of. This year we made a list of “to do” ideas for those restless weekends when we just want to be out of the house. It also gives you a good reason to get some pictures as a family without feeling silly. Go ahead! Be silly, and learn something while you do it!
Be a bunch of kids! Head to a local bowling alley, Family Fun Center, or Dave and Busters with pockets full of quarters and let loose! There is a barn not far from our house that has been converted into an arcade. The best part? Once you pay to get in the games are unlimited! There’s another place in a really cute village of restaurants and antique stores with vintage arcade games, much like the Musée Méchanique on Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco, which means there’s something for the history nerd, the antique shopper, the foodie, and the gamer all in one trip!
A few tips.
You are not a weather man, and sometimes it’s just not worth heading out in the elements no matter how much you need the time, so have a contingency plan. Stay in and have a slumber party. Make hot cocoa, ice cream sundaes, cookies, or a bunch of new Pinterest recipes. Do each other’s nails and hair, men too! Have something in mind in case you can’t or just don’t feel like leaving the house.
If you’re playing some kind of game, never hesitate to make a wager. There is nothing wrong with a little competition, especially if there’s something in it to sweeten the pot. It can give you something more adult to look forward to if there are kids with you at the time, and it can give you leverage to bargain with later. Have a few already in mind so you’re not put on the spot when it comes up, because it will.
Never be afraid to be creative and just go with it. It’s good to have a plan, but remember that plans can always change, and sometimes we each have a different idea of how an activity is going to go or what we should be doing. Keep it simple. Be flexible and open-minded, and just enjoy the ride. The important part is that you’re all together. Date night is about the time together, not the itinerary.
I hope that helped! Now go make plans! Take an umbrella, and wear sensible shoes.
Aloha!
Go now, have fun!
What does it mean to be poly?
Polyamory is not a method or a behaviour; it’s who we are as people. While no two people are identical, there is a very bare boned archetype of a polyamorous person.
To be poly, one must be open-minded, honest, and willing to step outside of her comfort zone. She must be strong, sensible, reliable, and able to put the needs of her family ahead of her own.
To the outside world, from conversations I have had, we take on a bit of legend and fantasy. To those who support polyamory, or at least tolerate it, we are saints. We are patient, selfless, and unfettered. We never have a negative emotion or disagreement, and life in a poly family is nothing but a day in Shangri-la. To those who are not supportive of our lifestyle, we are flaky, immoral, and non-committal. We are either being taken advantage of or avoiding real relationships, and we never deal with real issues because we can’t possibly work together as a team.
Reality is what reality does, lying somewhere in the middle Yes, polyamory requires patience, a skill many of us have had to hone as we go. We must not be selfless, but able to compromise, and poly merely means setting or own limits and boundaries as they make sense to us, not that we can simply ignore rules. On the other hand, yes, there are some people who are poly just to avoid real relationships or commitment. Sadly, it is my opinion that they will never grasp the full potential and freedom one can find in a committed poly family.
We’ve been over all this before, but what I have not discussed is how being poly looks and acts within the community, and even within the family.
Within the community we are a team, no matter what. Past that, we may look different, because poly is not a set of rules. No two poly families looks or acts the same. To some we’re a little more conservative. To others we’re a bit more open and free. In either case, we try to be a good resource and sounding board, especially to those just exploring polyamory. Our lifestyle isn’t a closed cult or a patented method, nor are we the poly police, but we try to project a loving, sharing attitude to those who may want to learn and grow or just talk. What’s that line about poly people talking a lot? We do.
When I think of Hubby or A, I think of people I can trust and speak with openly without judgment. I think of people who will fight just as hard as I will for our family and come to me with a problem before letting it cause resentment or discord. The fact that we’re human means that sometimes we get a little off track or lose sight of the bigger picture when something is important to us as individuals. We have bad days, we get emotional and cranky, and we have fears and insecurities that can sometimes keep us from being as open as we hope others will be with us. This doesn’t mean we’re “doing it wrong”, it means we’re not gods or angels, but mortals after all.
In a conversation I had with someone recently I was asked how I thought the “group mind” of a family changed our identities, and I think a lot of my answer to him fits here. To the outside world we feel a need to look strong and well-adjusted. We want the world to accept polyamory as a happy, healthy lifestyle, so we put on that facade to never let on that we have rifts, because to have an issue is to prove all the arguments made against polyamory. Sometimes this behaviour gets internalized and becomes how we act with each other, which can dangerously lead to a lapse in communication and compassion and make us feel trapped. At times I feel like we do the same within the poly community to prove our authenticity. We hold ourselves to unreachable standards, leading to inner turmoil and an unstable family structure.
Now I may to contradict myself for a moment. Yes, poly is a way of being not a way of doing. No, this does not mean that every poly person will get along with or be able to love every other poly person. I have gone on several date with people who admitted that polyamory was the only thing we had in common. The only reason I was a blip on the map was our proximity and lifestyle and the size of our local community. The problem here comes when people settle with situations that don’t make them happy because of the assumption that there aren’t any other local poly people. This panic leads to bad experiences which can actually drive people away from the lifestyle, which I hate to see. That’s like never eating pizza again because I assumed the place next door was the only pizzeria in town and got sick from it.
Polyamory doesn’t change who we are, and it is not an exclusive personality trait. It’s merely a lifestyle that embodies a set of personality traits that make up part of who we are as lovers, families, and individuals. By no means does it make us all compatible, and by no means does it make us all experts, but by no means does any of that make us less genuine.
Two years ago I wrote a post in my blog about Time Management. It centered mostly around the time constraints of a new relationship, so today I’d like to talk about time management in a family situation.
Time can be one of the hardest aspects to master in any marriage. Between work and personal interests it never seems like there is enough of it to get everything done and spent quality time with all the people we love. This can be a sensitive topic in a poly relationship and the one I find leads to the most emotional discussions we have. At times it seems like juggling knives would be less tense, and often less risky, but it’s not something that can be avoided.
Our family full of independent people with jobs and extracurricular passions that take up a lot of our free time. Add in commutes, differences in shifts, and household chores, and this leaves very little to work with when it comes to spending time together. We have a pretty colourful Google Calendar, which I will mention again and again as a poly family’s best friend, but finding space between the motley array of prior commitments can be frustrating. Making that time healthy rather than stressed and rushed can be even more so.
My piece of that pie comes with the fact that Hubby and I have household responsibilities that generally fill up the two days a week I’m home from work. This may change when I’m home every day or when we all live in the same house, but at this time that’s the reality. It’s also the only time we have to see friends and family, so even that together time is rarely the one on one bonding time that keeps an intimate relationship healthy. We can go months at a time without a day spent alone together doing something relaxing or fun together, and this causes a lot of stress on our marriage when it starts to seem like all we do is visit friends and do chores. From my perspective, Hubby’s nights with A are still considered “planned”, so he won’t plan a night with a friend or another hobby during the time he’s with her, and I admit I get a little flustered knowing my time gets filled with those things because we live together. While I may have more time on the whole, very little of it is quality time even spent in the same room, while they get to go to dinner, movies, and wine tastings. Hubby is trying to make sure we balance that better, and we try to have a “planned” date once in a while, but sometimes nothing can be done.
On A’s side she worries about our responsibilities completely filling Hubby’s schedule and pushing out her time. Hubby likes to sleep, so unless there’s a planned activity he will lounge and sleep or play games on his computer. This often frustrates her, because she wants to be doing something, even if it’s just cuddling or making breakfast. Because I’m often only home on weekends, that’s when we’re usually busy, so she doesn’t get a lot of time with him that doesn’t involve a work schedule in some way. This can be stressful having to factor in bedtimes and work responsibilities, and if he gets held up at work she misses out on what waking free time she has.
Now let’s add a new development, just because things weren’t stretched thin as it was. Hubby just started a job that will sometimes have him out of town a few nights a week, which means the only time he has consistently available is the weekend. This means our schedule changes somehow. It also means that all the personal activities he had reserved for weeknights also now can only happen on weekends.
We have discussed options that will make everyone happy. I have no problem with spending a weekend or half a weekend alone. My concern is that all Hubby’s personal time, all our time with his friends, and all our time spent as a family will come out of the now abridged time he and I have together, especially over the summer when events and outings pick up frequency. Last year we had a few incidents with time management and things that were really important to me getting pushed aside or family time that left me feeling like a third wheel. Some of that is internal, but some has been identified as something we all really need to work on to be a happy, healthy family.
Right now it’s all very up in the air with me out of work, and I will be returning right about the time our Google Calendar lights up again. I won’t say I’m not a little worried, but we’re all adults, and I’m sure we can work out a solution. It might take a few rounds of discussion and trial-and-error, but I feel like we’re headed in a positive direction.
Someone recently told me that he understood polyamory because of one’s ability to have constant excitement when a marriage gets boring. After mulling it over and thinking of my family I smiled, mostly because this guy will never understand the key to even a monogamous relationship.
New relationship energy (NRE) is awesome, I agree. It’s exciting to have someone new to explore inside and out, hearing their stories for the first time, and feeling the spark of new chemistry. It’s a feeling that cannot be recreated as a couple journeys through life together, and it’s absolutely something to cherish and enjoy. It’s a rush some people would not give up for the world, but most of those people have never felt the excitement and energy of what’s beyond NRE.
There is an erroneous belief that once “the honeymoon is over” and we settle in to life together that life becomes rote and boring. It’s true that we get comfortable and pick up some of the personal ambitions and interests we may have set aside for a while, but comfort doesn’t mean have to mean complacency.
What that comfort does mean is a deeper intimacy than you find with NRE. It means an understanding of each other that creates an excitement and anticipation all its own. I already know where most of Hubby’s paths go, but they are no less beautiful and exciting than they were when I was stumbling across them. Having this bond means another level of communication and body language that only two people who have gotten to this level of comfort can have. That comfort makes us a well oiled machine with an energy that reverberates through our lives even when we are not together.
The idea that we become rote and boring implies that we are static creatures. As human beings, that is simply not true. We change, we grow, we evolve, and watching that in process Hubby and getting to know all these new and exciting aspects of him is an awesome thing. The fact that I have someone to share my growth who continues to love me in all my forms is even more unbelievable sometimes.
Like any part of a healthy marriage, keeping a vibrant energy going takes maintenance. It takes awareness of who Hubby is and who he is becoming. It takes accepting all those changes. It takes letting him see who I am becoming and trusting him to accept me for whoever I am. Most importantly it takes a willingness to step out of the comfort zone once in a while and do something new together. Take a trip, take a class, anything to stir life up a little. It takes not letting the rut and routine swallow us whole just because we’ve been together for more than five years. It’s a commitment, and it’s a refreshing part of our life.
We are not poly because we’re bores with each other. If anything, this poly family keeps the excitement turned up. This has nothing to do with new partners or NRE. It has everything to do with who we are as a family, and this family never fails to keeps me on my toes.
“If you weren’t married would you still be poly?”
The question caught me off guard, not because it was inappropriate, but because I’d never considered it before. While I was open to the idea and leaning in that direction, I was not poly before meeting Hubby, nor were we poly right off the bat. It was a process that led us to this decision, and one I didn’t make lightly. Since then I have never imagined a time when Hubby and I wouldn’t be married, so it’s never been a question that came up.
The only answer that I can come to after some thought is “I don’t know”.
I have never needed to be poly. I could and would be perfectly happy being monogamous in my marriage, and that’s why I am poly. I love that I can explore and experience new partners, but it’s not a requirement to my happiness with Hubby. This was his idea to begin with, and one I agreed to because I love him and want to experience this life with him in a way that suits us both. This best suits him.
Some things to consider:
Would dating as a single woman be easier if I were not poly? It might be if the people I dated were not poly. I could introduce it the way Hubby did for me. I’m not sure I’d start my new single dating life with someone who was already living with someone or married, but I could see a new relationship blossoming into a plural situation.
Would I be willing to date someone who was against being poly? For the right person I will do almost anything. I obviously can’t grant that request at this time, because I am already married, but if the right person asked and I were single I definitely would.
What about the pansexuality? I may be attracted to all kinds of people, regardless of gender, but that doesn’t mean I need to be sleeping with them all to be happy. It just means I don’t care how my partner identifies. There are plenty of happy monogamously committed pansexual people out there. I could be one of them, again for the right person.
I guess a lot of this makes it sound like I’m a pushover, but I’m not. I am, and always have been, willing to offer the right person or people what they need for us both to flourish in a relationship. With Hubby it’s been polyamory and a D/s dynamic. With someone else it might be neither of those things. Does it mean it changes my interests or desires? Not at all. It merely means I’m willing to compromise and sacrifice a little for love.
I will say that the one thing I will not compromise or change is my spirituality. I am very strong in my faith and how I practice, and that is something that has remained constant throughout my life. It can be extremely hard for a pagan to be seriously involved with a non-pagan, and it has caused turbulence for me in the past.
I was extremely fortunate to find a man who is also pansexual and pagan, and the poly aspect was a bit of icing on that cake, but not a required ingredient. We very quickly hit our stride and fell into how we operate as a couple. If he were no longer in my life for some reason I’m not sure I’d find that same fit with anyone else. It’s not really something I intend to explore any time soon.
I’ve discussed before that Hubby and I have very different views when it comes to disclosure to new partners, but our recent issue has been disclosure to families, particularly on the part of metamours. Both longtime girlfriend, A, and Hubby’s new interest have chosen to introduce him to their parents. The caveat here is that neither is openly poly, therefore he will be introduces as a monogamous partner. This has left a bad taste in my mouth for a few reasons.
The main reason this bugs me is that we are a family unit. We come as a package. No matter how much you like someone, a bad fit is a bad fit. There have been plenty of people I’ve really liked, and in other cases we might have had a really good relationship, but if my family doesn’t fit into someone’s life it just won’t work. I’m not saying there isn’t a processing period or that I expect immediate disclosure, but once we decide our goal is long-term it needs to be discussed. I cannot fathom a life where my live in partners hide me from their immediate families. If you’re making that kind of commitment, make it.
In A’s case we’ve discussed eventually living together, in which case there would have to be full disclosure to her parents. I won’t pretend to be my husband’s roommate under any circumstance, and it seems to me that, as a parent, I would be more upset to find out later that there were details and people I didn’t know about. Her main concern now is that she doesn’t want to split holidays and special events. Does this mean that because we are open and honest with our families we have to be the ones to split our holidays? Even before we had that discussion about polyamory with Hubby’s mom we brought our family to things. No one ever asked. It didn’t need to be a big deal. We didn’t censor our behaviour, but we also didn’t need to be obnoxiously intimate with anyone during a family event. We act no differently now that she does know our family situation. This new girl lives with her parents, and from what I’ve heard they’re fairly involved and protective. I’ve already warned Hubby that I think this is going to turn into a complicated and very messy situation. If her family is that close they will include him pretty quickly, and he will be left to explain why he’s not at functions and holidays or why he isn’t at their house more often.
At this point I have to just hope for the best, try to have an open mind, and accept that we will always have drastically different viewpoints on this issue. I’m trying, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel a little frustrated and hurt. I’m trying to shed the feeling that I’m being the one to constantly concede because we’re the open ones, like we have to make special allowances for those who are not. I can’t demand he take me to the family BBQ’s or refuse to invite his partners to ours. I just have to accept it. I wish he were a little more understanding of how I feel and why, but pushing too hard always leads to him thinking I’m just fishing for reasons not to like his girlfriends, which isn’t the case. I like them just fine. I have taken a particular liking to A, and the new girl isn’t bad. I had initially hoped we might develop into more, and Hubby wasn’t opposed to the idea, but I’m not comfortable being the “secret partner”. I’ve been “the other woman” in the past, and it’s a lonely feeling, like someone is ashamed of me.
We seem to have reached a point in our poly process where we’re hitting a lot of new and unusual potholes. I know this is a growth period for us, and due to have some pains of its own, and it may mean emotions are running a little high. I’m trying to be rational and not let myself get overwhelmed, but can we get a break, please, Poly Gods?
I once mocked Kamala Devi’s proclamation that she was an expert on relationships because she was involved in so many of them. This is not always a case in which practice makes perfect, especially in the sense that no two relationships are the same, even within the same household or with any of the same people. This I know intellectually, but recently I found myself just as guilty of personal assumptions.
Hubby has pointed out to me, not just recently but many times in the past, that I have used poly as a crutch in many ways. While it has given me the confidence to find people who truly enrich my life and the faith that I am not only lovable but someone people want in their lives, it has also allowed me to hide parts of myself from these same partners as I see fit. Until recently I have not been completely open to a single one of my partners.
I can’t with any honesty say this is a new behaviour. I realize how how much I’ve missed and talked myself out of because I built a very intricate suit of armor. Historically people I have not guarded myself against have hurt me pretty badly, so even those I loved and cherished got the Reader’s Digest of not just my heart but my personality as well. I built an entire suit of slutty armor and superficial romanticism to avoid even getting deeper than the surface, and if anyone did happen to find a way in I had plenty of booby traps and Sphinxes waiting to deter them from sticking around too long let alone going any deeper. It worked for a long long time. Hubby was the first time I found myself completely trusting and comfortable with anyone despite my best wards and precautions, until now.
This brings me to an interesting part of our poly story. This is the first time Hubby has watched me fall in love. Don’t get me wrong. He’s seen me sweet and loving and committed to a new partner, but this is the first time he has seen my process of opening up and giving myself over completely to the experience. It’s akin to the “awakening” I mentioned before when you watch someone new to poly find that comfort zone where it all clicks. He is in absolute awe and thrilled for me, but it has also caused him a little anxiety. I’m not sure he realized it was happening when it was with him, so the intensity of my focus has been slightly unsettling.
I have to admit, friends, that I was just as unsettled. I am never comfortable being this ridiculous, this vulnerable, or this hopelessly without strategy. I feel like I’ve lost half the small ration of sanity I had to begin with, and a bit confused and chastising of myself for this kind of reaction over someone who may be a flight risk. On the other side of the coin, I’m really enjoying the feeling of absolute optimism and naivety I’m allowing myself to uphold. I am embracing not always feeling like I’m “playing the game” or watching my steps for landmines. I realize that I’m completely setting myself up to be completely disarmed, and that that leaves me naked in a tornado, but I no longer see that as a devastating thing but an experience to build on. (Ok, so I’d never expect to survive being naked in a tornado, but you get my drift, Dorothy.)
With my family behind me it’s a much less daunting and terrifying feeling to leave myself on the line for as long as I have been. It’s something I’ve missed, and something I didn’t revel in much with Hubby because by this point in our relationship we were handfasted and taking new steps. It reminds me why I love being poly. Yes, I love the close-knit family we’re starting to form, but I also adore the beginning stages of something really good once I can eschew the self-doubt and insecurities that usually push me to rush through it.
In the end, no matter what happens, this will have been a huge learning experience and a unique opportunity to grow and solidify the bonds of our existing household. I am quickly learning to enjoy my NRE while continuing to be not just attentive to Hubby but also supportive as he and A experience some tension and growing pains and he has his own reaction to my unexpected insanity. I am just as quickly learning to not insert myself where doesn’t need it, when my advice is useful and valuable, and how to not take offense when he starts calling me “dude” and talking to me like one of his buddies when we talk about his relationships in particular. This is an interesting new level in our marriage, and one that I think will ultimately bring us closer and make us stronger.
For the first time in a long time I can say that I am content and really enjoying where my life is at the moment. I am feeling the best parts of the stage each relationship is in and ignoring the parts that would normally wound me until I added armor and a padlock. This is what healthy love feels like in complimentary levels of deeply, committed dedication and flirty, blossoming adoration. Feels like the perfect place to spend Mabon, in balance.
Aloha.
Go now, stop thinking about it so much!
What Say You?