Bubble Wrap

A few months ago my boyfriend decided the poly lifestyle no longer met his needs and my girlfriend slowly found more important things to do and faded out of contact, leaving me temporarily monogamous.  For a while it was nice being able to focus on Hubby and myself, then refreshingly on new experiences, but now I’m finding myself ready for something solid.  There have been a few people on my radar, but for one reason or another they have not panned out, and after a month away from home I suddenly find myself sitting here alone wishing for companionship.

Hubby and I haven’t found ourselves in this particular situation since his infamous days with Emmy.  Since I have a much better relationship with his current girlfriend, A, my old pastime of sitting alone picturing the two of them laughing at how pathetic and lonely I am no longer takes up my nights alone, and I have found myself quite recently with nothing to do but fashion garments out of bubble wrap and packing tape.  A few more nights like these and I can kiss my social life goodbye forever.

Perhaps the bigger issue here is that I seem to have lost the ability to socialize.  My last few partners have been people who already existed in my life in one form or another.  While I was once a fairly keen hunter,  recently I’ve been spoiled enough to have love handed to me on a silver platter, but suddenly here I am, hungry and domesticated.  Have I forgotten how to fend for myself?

We have already discussed that patience is not one of my strong suits, but without it I run the risk of ending up either stuck with a partner I don’t really like merely because he’s the first person to make a move or a restraining order and neighbourhoods in which I am not welcome because I lose my calm and start stalking people.  The third option is that I resign to my fate, become an old spinster, and live vicariously through Hubby and our two North American cricket frogs.

Let’s try to avoid those territories, and instead focus on what I do have, a rare opportunity to really decide what I need and where it’s coming from.  I have time to get personal projects done while Hubby is out being a social butterfly, hence the bubble wrap, and time to relax and be in my own home.  Most importantly I have time to strengthen the bonds within the household we have now.  I have a chance not just for extra quality time with Hubby but also to fortify my relationship with A, something I haven’t really had the chance to consciously do up to this point.  I can be happy for the new steps they’re taking, whether it’s compersion or just letting them have their moment so they owe me some listen-to-me-gush time when I eventually do start a new relationship, and I can focus on our goals as a couple and as a family.

I know this isn’t permanent, and deep inside I know maybe I’m looking too hard and I just need to let it happen.  Even if it doesn’t, I’m really not missing anything in my life.  Would I like to have that partner with whom to connect, of course, but I’m not alone.  Is it easy to feel lonely when Hubby is out having that connection?  Only if I let myself.  I’m poly because I like the freedom to love more than one person and to share my life with whoever I choose, not because I have to.  If it were just Hubby I would be just as happy, and it’s so easy to get caught up in the tallies and the semantics that sometimes we lose sight of the fact that it’s not about who has more partners or the best relationships, it’s just about the love, and that we have by the heartful.


Go now, remember the love, forget the rest.