Love hurts

Love

One little word with all the power in the world.  The word love has the power to grant gifts of flight and healing.  It can help us cope with loss and distance and overcome addiction and fear.

Love.

One syllable that acts like a Pandora’s box.  It enfolds passion, compassion, and value.  It becomes synonymous with desire, need, and cherish.  It encompasses so much, yet leaves just as much unable to describe or speak.

Love.

Love also holds great capacity for hurt.  It can enslave and obsess.  It can be used to cut down or to allow ourselves to be cut down.  For love people make themselves vulnerable and blind.  For love we withstand abuse and isolation.  Love gives us the ability to look past anything and accept anything from those to whom we give it.  Love can be a drug and a poison, and one that makes us do and say awful things to one another because we find it justified.

Can love alone sustain a marriage?  Can love help one see past loneliness and feelings of inadequacy?  Can love exist where there is not a common goal?

These are questions I find myself asking.  Am I a failure?  Is my love enough?  Am I loving properly and to my fullest potential or have I confused it with something else?  After five years of persevering and surviving with love in my holster, is it still strong enough?  If so, why is it that we are so easily able to hurt one another?  How is it that the man who knows me the best, inside and out, could hold it against me?

Love.

I keep trying because I love him.  I do whatever I can, become whatever I can, and hope I don’t lose everything good I have managed to become in the process.  Because of his love I am a better person and a better woman, at least that’s how I felt.

I’ve talked a lot about changing.  People change.  Sometimes we change together, and sometimes we move very far apart.  In moving apart, especially with the aspects of polyamory that allow me to make other connections and bonds, can we still exist as a family?  How do we redefine ourselves?  Is it possible to do so without losing who we are as a couple?

I refuse to give up so easily, but he has told me to prepare to face the fact that this may no longer be good for either of us, that what I need is not him, that my life could be happier without him.  I’ve heard this a few times in the past few years, and it has always hurt to hear, even if some parts of it resonate with my own thoughts at times.

Am I being stubborn?  Am I giving up?  Can he still love me with the changes we’ve both made?

Friends, I have no idea.  I’m terrified of the possibilities.  In the last seven months my entire family structure has disintegrated, but I never thought it would rupture like this.  We’ve had our moments, but we’ve always seen them through.  Can we again?  He’s never left before.  Tonight I sit alone…for love.

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