English: Logo for My Spy Family

I’ve discussed before that Hubby and I have very different views when it comes to disclosure to new partners, but our recent issue has been disclosure to families, particularly on the part of metamours. Both longtime girlfriend, A, and Hubby’s new interest have chosen to introduce him to their parents. The caveat here is that neither is openly poly, therefore he will be introduces as a monogamous partner. This has left a bad taste in my mouth for a few reasons.

The main reason this bugs me is that we are a family unit. We come as a package. No matter how much you like someone, a bad fit is a bad fit. There have been plenty of people I’ve really liked, and in other cases we might have had a really good relationship, but if my family doesn’t fit into someone’s life it just won’t work. I’m not saying there isn’t a processing period or that I expect immediate disclosure, but once we decide our goal is long-term it needs to be discussed. I cannot fathom a life where my live in partners hide me from their immediate families. If you’re making that kind of commitment, make it.

In A’s case we’ve discussed eventually living together, in which case there would have to be full disclosure to her parents. I won’t pretend to be my husband’s roommate under any circumstance, and it seems to me that, as a parent, I would be more upset to find out later that there were details and people I didn’t know about. Her main concern now is that she doesn’t want to split holidays and special events. Does this mean that because we are open and honest with our families we have to be the ones to split our holidays? Even before we had that discussion about polyamory with Hubby’s mom we brought our family to things. No one ever asked. It didn’t need to be a big deal. We didn’t censor our behaviour, but we also didn’t need to be obnoxiously intimate with anyone during a family event. We act no differently now that she does know our family situation. This new girl lives with her parents, and from what I’ve heard they’re fairly involved and protective. I’ve already warned Hubby that I think this is going to turn into a complicated and very messy situation. If her family is that close they will include him pretty quickly, and he will be left to explain why he’s not at functions and holidays or why he isn’t at their house more often.

At this point I have to just hope for the best, try to have an open mind, and accept that we will always have drastically different viewpoints on this issue. I’m trying, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel a little frustrated and hurt. I’m trying to shed the feeling that I’m being the one to constantly concede because we’re the open ones, like we have to make special allowances for those who are not. I can’t demand he take me to the family BBQ’s or refuse to invite his partners to ours. I just have to accept it. I wish he were a little more understanding of how I feel and why, but pushing too hard always leads to him thinking I’m just fishing for reasons not to like his girlfriends, which isn’t the case. I like them just fine. I have taken a particular liking to A, and the new girl isn’t bad. I had initially hoped we might develop into more, and Hubby wasn’t opposed to the idea, but I’m not comfortable being the “secret partner”. I’ve been “the other woman” in the past, and it’s a lonely feeling, like someone is ashamed of me.

We seem to have reached a point in our poly process where we’re hitting a lot of new and unusual potholes. I know this is a growth period for us, and due to have some pains of its own, and it may mean emotions are running a little high. I’m trying to be rational and not let myself get overwhelmed, but can we get a break, please, Poly Gods?