The Dating Game

“If you weren’t married would you still be poly?”

The question caught me off guard, not because it was inappropriate, but because I’d never considered it before. While I was open to the idea and leaning in that direction, I was not poly before meeting Hubby, nor were we poly right off the bat. It was a process that led us to this decision, and one I didn’t make lightly. Since then I have never imagined a time when Hubby and I wouldn’t be married, so it’s never been a question that came up.

The only answer that I can come to after some thought is “I don’t know”.

I have never needed to be poly. I could and would be perfectly happy being monogamous in my marriage, and that’s why I am poly. I love that I can explore and experience new partners, but it’s not a requirement to my happiness with Hubby. This was his idea to begin with, and one I agreed to because I love him and want to experience this life with him in a way that suits us both. This best suits him.

Some things to consider:

Would dating as a single woman be easier if I were not poly? It might be if the people I dated were not poly. I could introduce it the way Hubby did for me. I’m not sure I’d start my new single dating life with someone who was already living with someone or married, but I could see a new relationship blossoming into a plural situation.

Would I be willing to date someone who was against being poly? For the right person I will do almost anything. I obviously can’t grant that request at this time, because I am already married, but if the right person asked and I were single I definitely would.

What about the pansexuality? I may be attracted to all kinds of people, regardless of gender, but that doesn’t mean I need to be sleeping with them all to be happy. It just means I don’t care how my partner identifies. There are plenty of happy monogamously committed pansexual people out there. I could be one of them, again for the right person.

I guess a lot of this makes it sound like I’m a pushover, but I’m not. I am, and always have been, willing to offer the right person or people what they need for us both to flourish in a relationship. With Hubby it’s been polyamory and a D/s dynamic. With someone else it might be neither of those things. Does it mean it changes my interests or desires? Not at all. It merely means I’m willing to compromise and sacrifice a little for love.

I will say that the one thing I will not compromise or change is my spirituality. I am very strong in my faith and how I practice, and that is something that has remained constant throughout my life. It can be extremely hard for a pagan to be seriously involved with a non-pagan, and it has caused turbulence for me in the past.

I was extremely fortunate to find a man who is also pansexual and pagan, and the poly aspect was a bit of icing on that cake, but not a required ingredient. We very quickly hit our stride and fell into how we operate as a couple. If he were no longer in my life for some reason I’m not sure I’d find that same fit with anyone else. It’s not really something I intend to explore any time soon.