I usually have some idea what I want to do for Hubby for Valentine’s Day.  This year, however, my well of ideas has run dry, so last night I set out on an internet search.  I was thoroughly unprepared for the magnitude of hilarious Valentine’s Day crap out there!  While I’d never pay money just to give Hubby a gag Valentine, I will let him read this post and laugh with me, which is all in the same spirit anyway.  I hope you’re all prepared, because ready or not, Happy Valentine’s Day

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I’m a little uncomfortable being just stared at this way, but I might give this card with a taser. 


valentines-niccage-national-treasure-03This one has creepy pink-lipstick adorned Nick Cage, and why is that teddy bear sitting up on the side like that?  I’d give this with a ragged old teddy bear I found at a thrift store.  Maybe a rape whistle.

 
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I actually considered buying this one, especially because it’s a magnet.  I might give this in a “gas acceptance” gift basket full of canned pork n’ beans, cabbage, and grapes.  

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Cutest. Card. Ever.  I’ve never cuddled a hedgehog, though.  It’s probably not as cozy as it looks.
il_570xN.409376516_swwoThis was made me snort.  I love science…and puns…and science puns.  I’d pair this with one of those foot-long giant pencils.

 
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For the dog lover in all of us.  I might give this card before a romantic picnic in the park as warning to watch where you step. 

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Card number two I almost purchased.  I had never seen an episode of Star Trek from beginning to end until I met Hubby.  Last yeqr we had a romantic Jacuzzi suite where we spent a whole day watching a Star Trek marathon.

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As is Jack in the Boxes weren’t creepy enough, here’s an image for you.  Also, where to puppets or spring action “Jacks” have butts?  I would give this with an actual Jack in the Box, the older and creepier the better, and a shaving kit.
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This card speaks to the part of me that feels rebellious and indignant when people get overly suggestive.  Still, I’ve always had a fondness for Alf, and it reminds me of my childhood.  I’d give  this with a box of fruit snacks and a slap bracelet.  

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This is just a big NO.  It’s creepy, it’s bratty, it’s everything I dislike about Pokemon. Picachu was created to specifically attract girls and mothers to Pokemon, which makes it a manipulative “pocket monster”.  It should not be using innuendo. I would give this with two bouquets.  One for my date, and one for her mom.

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What does it say about me that the first problem I had with this was the grammar?  I’d at least send this with a cliche bottle of wine or box of chocolate to soften the blow.valentines-starwars-yoda-cupid-Patrick-McQuadeCreepy Yoda cupid.  I probably don’t need to say more.  I just hope there aren’t any old people in the room when my date sees the picture.

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I’m pretty sure there are pictures of me and Hubby this way somewhere.  I may have taken them as proof that I love him and have not booby trapped my side of the bed yet.  Being alive still is my gift.
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This is just terrible, but lends well to a bouquet of Pixie Sticks.
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How cute are Pac Man and Mrs Pack Man about to eat each other’s faces? This card obviously compliments a romantic dinner and a bag of marshmallows.  Maybe fondue. il_570xN.410181853_il5e

Don’t give this card if you’re part of a triad or poly family.  Just sayin’.  I’d give this with a bag of Sudoku and crosswords, maybe one of the personalized crosswords I mentioned last year.

il_570xN.421091800_319fThis last one I actually loved!  For those of you who don’t know, the date on our marriage license is Pi Day (3/14) with a time listed as 1:59:26.  Why?  Because we’re nerds, that’s why.

There ya have it, friends!  If you actually want to purchase any of these gems, they’re all available on Etsy.com.  I send you all my love this Valentine’s Day, and whether or not you have a date I hope you do something exciting!

Aloha

Go now, love.

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