Marriage Equality

 

So, there’s this guy…

Doesn’t every good story start with “so, there’s this guy”?

In any case, there’s this guy, and we meet at a bar.  I ditch the excruciatingly dull date I’m on, and I bring home a guy from a bar, which is something that, at the precipice of 30 years old, I have never done before.  Another item on some kind of unwritten Bucket List I didn’t know existed.

This guy has a very black and white perspective on life and how the world turns.  He not so much questions my beliefs but preaches his opinion on them like a sermon to save me from a life of ridiculous spirituality and ill-advised relationship decisions.  On the former I stand firm, and there is no doubt in my mind that my faith is unshakable.  He seems frustrated that I won’t try to prove my beliefs, but it is not my responsibility to convince him of their validity or sciency data.  On the latter, however, I waver and bend a little.  I am unsure.  I unearth old doubts and question my faith in myself and the choices I have made over the last decade.  When it comes to believing in myself I am weak.  Things that were once true seem less so.  Things that made my love and my marriage healthy and good for me begin to seem detrimental and lacking.  Hubby and I no longer seem like the strong, loving partnership we once were.

This guy dangles in front of me all the things I’ve wanted in life, but as with most things worth having, it all comes with a price that until recently I have not been willing to even consider.  More questions.  Would I be willing to give up one big piece of who I am now to have a shot at goals I’ve been vying for my entire life?  In the last few years I have resigned myself to a limited path.  I have chalked  up a lot of my dreams and aspirations to bad decisions or believing those things just weren’t meant for me.  Hubby supports me where he can, but more and more reality sets in, and when our goals are in direct conflict mine fall away.  He is always more driven, always a better opportunist, and almost always has more backing and resources.  This is just how it’s always been.

I see myself now at a crossroads where it is integral that I have no doubt in the direction in which I choose to continue my journey.  This is something I’m unprepared for, and it’s a self-portrait I cannot begin to paint.  Can I adapt my current path or must I make a complete break and risk being lost?  This is a question I am unprepared to answer, but how long can I wait for life to make it for me before all the doors close around me?

The big question here is not whether or not I leave but whether or not we can fix the rift that’s grown between us.  It has not gone unnoticed, but I don’t think either of us has been aware of how big it’s gotten.  If we can we will be the solid couple we once were.  If not, it will swallow one or both of us, and we are each too beautiful and unique to be unhappy.  This guy is not my future, but he has prompted me to think about what I want my future to look like and how I can make that happen.  My hope is that a clear idea of just how deep and wide this rift in my marriage is can help us begin to fill it in with healing and love.

And here we are now.  We have faced the end of our story and refused to accept it.   Instead we have once more rewritten our future together.  We still stumble occasionally, but we now have a better understanding of and commitment to this marriage and the promises we’ve made to each other.  The Death card dealt here was not for a finite ending but for a razing and rebuilding, and we are building something strong and wonderful together.

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