Poly people are always thinking.  We analyze everything, and we are constantly conscious of what we should be doing or how we should be acting towards each other.  I’m not knocking it.  I think more people should be conscious of how their actions affect the people they love.  I do, however, think that we sometimes let this propensity for “checking in” and seeking community advice stunt our emotional growth a little bit.
An example!  A friend recently came to se with a question.  ” I think my wife broke up with her boyfriend,” he said.  “What happens now?  What should I do?”  I was a little hesitant with my answer.  On one hand I remember what it was like to be new to poly, to be questioning everything, and to be seeking a friendly ear with some experience.  On the other hand I wanted to impart a very simple lesson that took me an embarrassingly long time to learn.
The people we are poly with are not prototypes.  They are not place holders, and they are certainly not interchangeable or replaceable parts.  These people are family.  They’re people we love and cherish, and they deserve to be treated as such without all the thinking.  At the end of the day they are the people who welcome us into their hearts day after day, people we trust with our most intimate selves.
In this case, when one of our tribe is hurting the shoulds cease to matter.  When Hubby has a problem, I don’t think about what I should do to make the situation diplomatic or what I’m allowed to do.  There is no should.   To quote Yoda, “There is only do”.  My advice to my friend was simply that.  What would you do if, instead of a boyfriend,  your wife lost a family member or sibling?  What would you do if she simply had a bad day?  What would you do if she were crying or angry without explanation?  What would you do if a close friend had a breakup?  Do any of that.  The rest can be sorted out later.  This is not rocket science, friends.  Stop overthinking and start being human with each other.
Go now, and do.
Aloha
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