In years past, Litha has been about pure celebration.  Love, revelry, and the raw power of the sun god filling us with waves of blessing.  If you’ve ever smiled up at the sun and felt completely whole and happy, you know the feeling I’m describing.  This year is a little different for me.  There are some big changes coming my way, and I’m finding it extremely difficult to feel the sun in any aspect but burning.  That strength and blessing I generally get this time of year is shadowed, and I feel myself weakening.  I’ve begun to lose my spirit and the energy to keep pushing forward.

I don’t usually keen for Litha.  It’s not  generally a happy summer solstice activity, but it felt necessary.  I didn’t go into the woods like I normally do.  I went to the beach.  If you’re not all aware, the beaches of Northern California do not warm. The moment the icy cold hit my toes I wanted to turn back and give up, but if I couldn’t do this how could I begin to claim my life back from the edge of the long night that loomed over me?  I trudged forward, tears coming to my eyes as I remember why I was there and what stakes were at hand. I got as far as my knees before the screaming started, not the releasing wail of keening but the angry screams of someone who suddenly realized she couldn’t breathe.  Friends, I’ve been drowning in my own life.  For years.  I’ve allowed myself to fight for enough air to keep sinking, but not much more.  So I screamed. I screamed until the water knocked me off balance and straight into the sand of the undertow.  I had not intended to go in.  My clothes were soaked, my butt was cold, and my mouth was full of salt.  I felt scolded by the ocean that has always lead me, and right well I should have been.  I’ve let myself be dragged by the undercurrent for so long I’ve forgotten how to swim.  I laid back and let the water rush over me.  I stopped screaming, and I began to laugh.  I laughed until the taste of salt once again assaulted my senses.  The ocean wanted me to listen.  To be quiet for once in my life…and listen.

I had forgotten that I carry the sun within me.  I had forgotten the strength that has carried me through more hardship and darkness than I care to think about.  I had forgotten the brightness that has always kept a smile on my face and my spirit alive despite that darkness.  I had forgotten what it means to channel it all and become a force of nature.  These are things I must hold on to if I am to come out of this alive.  Alive.  Not survived.  Alive.  Heart, soul, and spirit intact.   This is a crossroads, not a dead end.  This is the harvest of the seeds I planted when I asked for progress and the life meant for me, and if I let it all die on the vine I have wasted it all.  I’ve fought too hard to be weak now.  Wherever this road goes, and it will go through some thick, dark, places, I will carry the sun within, and it will guide me if I let it.

 

Aloha and a Blessed Litha

Go now, be strong. Be Alive.

il_570xN.385449553_2igr

Advertisements