This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for some time, but I haven’t been able to dedicate the time I felt it deserves.  I have written in the past about what happens in a relationship when a partner experiences a breakup.  I have also written about the unique relationship between metamours and the bond they share independent of any romantic relationships in a family.  Today I’m going to share some thoughts about the loss of metamours and what it can do to existing partners.

Back in July Hubby and A had a falling out.  I didn’t write about it at the time, because we were having our own issues and we weren’t sure if things were permanently broken.  As it turns out, things between us were not, but things between the two of them were, in fact, done.

Hubby was crushed.  After three years of building a relationship, his spirit was broken by it dissolution.  Despite our issues I did the best I could to support him and help him through the healing process, but the sense of loss on my side was never addressed, and it bothered me for a long time.  No matter what kind of history A and I ay have had, three years of being a family would inevitably leave a mark. Losing that, especially with the stability of my marriage in question, was a kick in the gut, but my focus was on Hubby and his well-being.

In the past, metamours had only been with us for a short time before they left our family.  While the blow was still hard for Hubby, I hadn’t yet bonded with most of them,  so my sense of loss wasn’t nearly as heartfelt.  I could be empathetic yet detached from the situation, because I wasn’t really a part of it yet.  This was the first time we should have grieved together, but we were not in a place to do so, and I felt like it would hurt Hubby worse to bring my emotions to his attention.

When one person experiences a breakup, it affects everyone.  It is our opportunity to strengthen our families by grieving and healing together and acknowledging each member’s reaction and process.  This doesn’t mean you have to sit in a circle and cry together, unless that’s your thing, but it does mean an awareness of one another without comparisons or judgment.  Where compersion calls us to share in our partners’ joy, this experience calls us to also share in their loss.  As human beings connected by love and interaction, this experience afford us the right to feel our own loss at the departure of one of our own.

As the partner involved in the breakup, it’s important to remember this.  As a metamour to a breakup, it’s important to keep in mind that someone we love is going through something hard, but it is also our responsibility to tell them if the event is causing us pain as well.  There is nothing won in creating more conflict, but there is also nothing won in burying our own emotions.  As always, nothing approached with clear, calm communication is ever bad, so talk it out.  Be there for one another.

Aloha

Go now, heal together.

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