Friends, I know I’ve been quiet and sporadic for the last year or more.  Honestly, I was having a lot of problems on this side of the keyboard, and I felt like a fraud trying to write about poly and spirituality and living your fullest life when my own was failing in all of those aspects.  I kept telling myself I’d be back once I had all my ducks in a row, but eventually I saw the ducks for what they were, not mine to control or organize.  If the ducks are alive and well they’ll never be in a row long enough to do anything.  So, I’m back if you’ll have me.

With that…the recap.

The healing from Good Girl was amazing, and still rippling its way to the surface every day.  I’ve seen it manifest in the way I handle toxic relationships, breakups, new experiences, and how I make change in my life.  Late last year I started writing a second show, and it dawned on me how much more freeing, but also scary it is, to be doing it on my own this time.  My Power of One family got me through some rough turbulence, and I’ll always cherish the experience I had with them.  Now, however, it’s time to be independent and trust that doing things my way is just as powerful.  You see where I’m going with this?  It’s been time for a while to tell my Imposter Syndrome to shove it for a while now.

I’ve spent a better part of the last year in the hospital or recovering from various ailments, and it’s really had me feeling mortality, but I also started three beautiful relationships and met a whole tribe of people who have reminded me what it is to live, and how much easier it is to heal with people by your side.  In May I had an experience at a burn where I actually lost consciousness, and it felt like a part of me was left there in the mud.  A part of me that had been clinging for so long I didn’t even realize it was still dragging me down.  I was a new me, and I was unstoppable.  Ducks!  Row! For about 5 minutes.

In November I had an experience that not only tested the healing I’d been doing for the better part of three years, but also the integrity and clarity  I promised myself years ago I would always carry with me.  What’s worse was how it tore apart my tribe and almost shattered more than one of my relationships.  Worse than the one day of physical trauma was the lasting affects it’s had on my life, and I’m still not back 100%.  I couldn’t write, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t listen to music.  I lost my outlets, but I was able to doodle, and from it came a whole new form of healing expression and communication.  I couldn’t form verbal words to work through the trauma with my partners, so I sketched them.  And from this, growth.  From this, love.  No, not everything can be repaired, but what is has been fortified and continues to push me forward every day.

The last 90 days have taught me to breathe through the painful moments, talk through my fears and anxieties, and communicate on deeper levels with my partners.  I’ve learned to forgive myself and those around me, even the ones who have hurt or turned on me.  I’ve taken some risks and made some life changing decisions for the better.  I’ve expanded my art and jumped into my writing again.  I’m learning to find hope and optimism even in uncertainty, and to trust in the love of those around me, even when they are hurting and quiet.  I’ve learned to hold on to my community and coexist with those who hold tension with me, and to stay open and available to them should they ever need anything from me.

If the last 9 days have taught me nothing else, it’s that I’m not an imposter for having failures or for not having all the answers, and that sharing those moments as well as the victories is just as important to sharing my life experience, sometimes even more so.  So, yes, I’m back.  Flawed and struggling but growing and brave and becoming more myself every day.

Aloha

Go now, be beautifully flawed

 

 

 

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