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I’ve been working away from home on a temp assignment for a week. It’s week one of a 30-day stint in New York City, and when I signed up for the gig I was excited. I don;t live extremely far from NYC, so I wasn’t excited as much for that as I was to get some time to see friends who live here and sort some things out within myself without any external distractions.
What I missed in that sentiment was the key word: myself.
You see, my life is one of community and support structure, and while this is often fantastic, it leaves me to the disadvantage that I don’t know how to process and cope alone. This is the exact opposite to how I lived my life just a handful of years ago. I was independent. I liked being on my own. I was also extremely antisocial, borderline suicidal, unhealthy, and angry at the world for no reason other than that I didn’t know how to relate to it. Then I found where I belonged, found family and community, and I blossomed and learned to be a part of an amazing puzzle.
Well friends, this puzzle piece is nothing put a misshapen blob here by myself. The first few days were fine as I settled in to a routine. The next few days were full of chaos at work, but my days off and late nights with no one to talk to have left me a frazzled mess of meltdown after meltdown. Today I was having fibro issues, so my plans to go do and see and experience something new were thwarted. Then I tried to go swimming only to realize I don’t fit back into my bathing suit yet, which lead to a monumental break in composure. Hubby is busy preparing for a weekend trip with his girlfriend, so he’s unreachable, and everyone else local or not is out living their lives. I know, how dare they not be around to cater to my ridiculous need for uplifting! I was shocked as well, my friends.
So, I have a few options.
1. I can sit here and feel sorry for myself whining about it all on the internet for the next three weeks. (oops).
2. I can revert to old behaviours and really make a mess of things. This means I stop eating or sleeping and start inviting strangers I meet on the internet over for sex I won’t even enjoy. Then I sit alone feeling worse about myself than I did before wondering why no one likes me, telling myself it’s because I’m a fat pathetic loser who doesn’t deserve love and that I’d be a fool to think anyone would ever find me desirable. Ya, that’s the person I want to be again.
3. I can get over myself and do what I came here to do…besides work tha
t is. I can see things I’ve never seen or done in NYC before (there’s always going to be something). I can spend time with the best friend I’ve had the longest, since it’s been years since we’ve been this close for more than a few days. I can use this time to refocus and re-center, to sort out my goals and how to move towards them from here. I can sort out my emotional needs and the chaos that’s been brewing within me lately, and I can make better choices about how and who I want to spend my time and energy on concerning pending relationships. I’ve been so scattered and unstable lately that it’s spilling over to friendships, my marriage, and my personal life. I can choose not to go back there. I can choose to want better choices. I can remember why I signed up for this, and I can love it.
Part of the remaining time here will be spent rekindling my old sense of adventure and independence, something I’ve sacrificed a lot of in the last several years, and learning to do it in a way that enriches my life not enables a need to escape it. It doesn’t mean I won’t be lonely or miss my family, it means I will learn better coping mechanisms. I’m not a child, and my poly lifestyle is not a security blanket. I’m a free woman, and I intend to act like it, at least until it’s time to clock in to work.
Go now…do something by yourself!