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In 2014 I dedicated myself to my career, and I knocked it out of the park.

I declared 2015 the Year of Creativity, and even I could not have seen  where it would take me.

While I had intended to hone crafts I already know, life had other ideas, and I found myself immersed in a totally new experience that has changed not only how I interact with the world and the people in it, but with myself.  When WordPress sent me my Year in Review I realized I had only written 12 blogs all year, ALL YEAR!  If rebuilding a marriage took focus and time, rebuilding myself took more so, and life doesn’t stop just because we’re doing something new.  There was still work and laundry and family responsibilities, and those things multiply daily, but here I am, barreling into 2016 with wild abandon.

In July we had a rather transformative experience at the first public ritual I’ve attended in years, and since then there’s been a growing need to be more connected to my community and to my spirit.  Sure, I still practice.  Sure, I still observe private habits and rituals.  But how long has it been since I’ve grown spiritually?  How long since I’ve connected with something new?

The focus on Good Girl meant there’s a lot of unused potential from last year’s dedication, and the show itself has created a momentum I know is going to carry me through the next year, and years to come.  Much like the career didn’t stop, the creativity won’t stop, and this is how we learn to integrate what makes us whole.  This is how we titrate truth into our lives.  This is how we become who we were always meant to be.

Aloha and Happy New Year!

Go now, barrel into 2016 with wild abandon!

 

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2014. The year that changed everything.  It all sounds very serious, doesn’t it.  Well, it is.  I know, I know, every year is about change, but 2014 brought transformative change.

With Brighid came the catalyst for the biggest career change I have ever made, and the biggest risk.  The training alone was a challenge, but I rose to it, and on Ostara I earned my wings and held a star I’d been reaching for for 6 years.

WIth the change in jobs came a huge change for our household.  I was based 3,000 miles away on the opposite coast, and the adjustment in all my relationships was a blow that some of them wouldn’t survive.  Routines were uprooted, and we had to find complex solutions to even more complex problems.  I suddenly felt very alone, and Hubby felt abandoned.  As he strove for stability and reached for his other partners, I felt more and more isolated from my family, which strained an already stressful period as I adjusted to a new job that is very much a lifestyle.

By summer there were storms raging.  Hubby and A split, I had completely pulled out of our D/s dynamic, and there were talks of separation. Things were seriously strained, compounded by the re-emergence of The Vanishing Act.  My emotions were shot, and I withdrew.  When my birthday rolled through in August I was sure I was bound to be moving on alone.  Hubby seemed unwilling to see anything from my perspective and immersed in a new relationship, The Vanishing Act had done what he does best, and I felt suffocated by the weight of everything falling apart at once.

For the first time in a long time I felt helpless, hopeless, and ready to go.  There’s a soul-shaking moment that passes when you no longer feel a desperate need to end your life, but have accepted it as the next step.  It’s not a rash decision you can recover from just as quickly, it’s a concession that the darkness has won, and this is just what happens when you lose.  I was gone.  My spirit was dead for a long time, and I had no one to blame for it but myself.

Enter Autumn and a big push from the universe to be in charge of my life.  I embarked on a last-ditch effort to save myself, and I began living my own life.  Hubby pushed against it, but what resulted was both of us giving the ultimate ultimatum.  Love me for who I am, or let me go live my life.

The season also brought a whole crew of new people to my life.  Friends, love interests, and everyone in between.  2014 has brought me more new connections and strengthened connections with people I already had than I could have asked for.  These wonderful souls are the reason I’m here in as close to one piece as I am.  They are my tribe, my Ohana, and I would be incomplete without them.

As I pulled out of the fall with hope and optimism, 2014 gave me one last reminder that there is still a lot of work to do. A few lives connected to mine were suddenly torn apart.  We had medical scares and heartbreaking developments.  In addition, several of my partners also had some deep rivers to cross.  Once again I felt out of my depth and drowning, but the tools I had acquired and the people who had gathered around me throughout the year had given me the strength and will to keep moving forward.

Things are still rocky.  Things are still changing.  2014 was a year of questions without answer and answers spawning new questions.  I still feel terribly ill-equipped to handle the war that fights, not in violent flashes like they do in the movies, but quietly under the surface of the mundane as war is apt to do.  I don’t have all the information.  I don’t have all the tools.  I don’t have all the magic words.  What I do have is Ohana.  What I do have is people who love me and believe in me, who have y back no matter what happens.    What I have, as i mentioned at Yule, is hope.

This year I have learned to adapt.  I have learned to be away but still present.  I have learned to be alone but not lost.  I have learned to love and not question.  At midnight tonight I won’t be with any of my loves.  I won’t have a single person to kiss, but I shall be kissing each and every one of them in my heart.

2015…a year started with hope in my heart.

Aloha.

Go now, kiss somebody at midnight, even if it’s just in your heart.

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions.  I generally believe that every day is a change to start over.  Every day is an opportunity to be better than I was the day before.  There is no reason to wait until the first of the year to improve life.  So what is our preoccupation with New year’s Resolutions?  The first of the year gives us a clean slate.  It’s like a zero on the timeline from which to count forward.  What we forget, however, is that even death is not a tabula rasa.  This is why so many resolutions fail.  In order to grow and pursue our greatest potential we must accept accountability for past decisions, learn from them, and make peace with them.  For example, I can’t expect to jump into a new workout routine and nail it on the first try.  I must identify why I have failed in the past and learn how to pass former benchmarks.  I must also accept my surroundings, my financial capabilities, my time management realities, and anything else that may throw my new goal off course, not to make excuses for failure but to make a strategy for success.

This year the New Year falls on a new moon in Capricorn.  What this means is a very earth heavy new moon energy with the added optimism of a whole world of people celebrating a new start.  This is the perfect time to dig deep, plant the seeds for the coming year, and pushing ahead with goals that may have fallen into stasis or become unmovable.  This moon also pushes us to make this new start with integrity and authenticity. I want to look healthy and feel better about myself, not, I want to look like an airbrushed supermodel.   It inspires us to pursue the future in the spirit of passion rather than one of fear.  I want to lose weight so I can participate in a Disney Marathon,  not, I want to lose weight because I’m afraid I’ll never find someone who thinks I’m beautiful.

The alignments of this new moon center strongly around transformation and self liberation.  Most of our resolutions fail because of self-sabotage.  We constantly compare ourselves and our lives to past experiences and limitations we’ve either placed on ourselves or allowed other to place upon us.  The task here is to decide what’s important, what’s worth what you’ll spend on it as the wheel turns, and how to fit it in to the life you’re already living.

What will aid us in this all of this?  Perspective.  Attitude.  Balance.  We cannot take on these new tasks already defeated, guarded, or at limited intensity.  We must be able to give them our all with the firm belief that we will be victorious.  We must be able to identify the walls that have trapped us for too long, realize that the mortar that holds them together is nothing but fear and self-doubt, break them down, and begin to build the roads that lead us to the rest of our brilliant lives.  Without this new light on life is the only thing that will get us through the darkness between planting our new seeds and having an orchard of fruit-bearing trees at our disposal, because what Capricorn teaches us is that this is going to take time, but oh will it be worth it if we can stay on target.

My work for the night is deeply personal as I try to learn to focus, not on what I want to manifest in the coming yea,r but how to blaze the paths  that get me there.  Those things have been manifested for a long time.  I just need to find them.

 

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Blessed be, and Happy New Year!

Aloha!

Go now, celebrate and start forward!

I apologize that it’s taken me a week to write this.  I’m still typing everything with my left hand only.

I am addicted to Shutterfly, and every year I make a family yearbook.  A scrapbooker at heart, I just don’t have the time, space, or money to devote to as many scrapbooks as it would take to use all the pictures I take.  As someone who majored in Photography I can also admit to being a shutterbug.  When there are pictures of me I usually have a camera in my face or hands.  I have had to ask people to take pictures of me to have some evidence of my existence beyond being the one who took all the pictures.  My father has admitted to having this same issue, so I assume it’s hereditary.

In any case, 2012 was pretty rough on this family.  In fact, it seems to have been that way for many of our nearest and dearest.  The party line of New Year’s Eve seemed to be, “Here’s to 2013, because 2012 was terrible!”.  It’s true, this year our family took a pretty hard onslaught of blows.  We experienced loss of friends and lovers, sickness, financial problems, and for the first time in five years our marriage reached a point of uncertainty.  Our household took a huge hit that left us rebuilding from the ground up, and that rebuilding caused a lot of growing pains for everyone.

As tough as that all was to swallow at the time, the key word there is “growing”. Personally and as a unit we all grew this year.   We grew closer, we grew stronger, and we grew in faith and maturity.  I met someone in July who challenged the way I loved and opened up to new partners and showed me what this poly life really has to offer me.  While the end of that short relationship rocked my core it taught me a lot about myself and forced me to re-evaluate my expectations and standards for future relationships.  The last half of the year tossed me and Hubby around like a hurricane, but it uncovered a lot of hidden issues we had been avoiding or had gone unnoticed.  Through that we have been able to fortify our weak points and strengthen our bond.  We have fine tuned how we work as a team and proven that we can survive anything.

Sorting  images for this book I began to realize that in between all the tears and screaming there were also a lot of smiles.  It’s true that a negative moment will stick to your memory before a positive one.  Woven between the struggling were great moments of love and happiness.  This last year was amazing for new adventures and opportunities.  I took trips I never thought I’d take.  I got to see my family more than I have in years.  We have made huge strides with Little Guy and his mother, and we are well on our way to pulling out of this slump.

What I love most about these books is the optimism on every page and the reminder that we are alive.  There are no pictures of arguments or suffering.  There are no shots of sorrow or frustration.  While the lessons are important the details are not.  There are no grudges or residual anger here, just love and laughter.  2012 was a year of transition and transformation.  Its story is written across the smiles and faces in these pictures, and while the lessons are always with me I choose to remember the Shutterfly version of my life, and it’s been a beautiful year!

 

Last night I had a dream I got a tattoo.  At first it seemed odd.  It wasn’t the next tattoo I plan on getting, but it was in that spot on my body.  I don’t particularly remember getting it done, but there it was, fresh and…sparkly?  Don’t judge me.  I’ve been stressed.  In any case, I had gone to bed asking for some signs of what to expect in the coming year.  As it just so happens I got my answer in ways only my head can understand.

This past year has been like getting a tattoo.  It has had moments of pain, moments of euphoria, and moments where I’ve just needed a moment to compose myself.  This year, like no recent year I can remember, has changed me for the rest of my life.  The ups and downs, all of them have changed who I am and how I run my life.  They have changed our family and our plans for the future.  They have changed my marriage and deepened the bond Hubby and I share.  They have forced us to look at our lives and re-evaluate who and what we value and work to keep.  We have gained and redirected focus, and we have solidified our game plan.  This year will remain etched into every move and decision we make in the coming years.

This year we added to our family, finally had a wedding, and found out there will be a new baby.  We chose to no longer try to nurture friendships that had long since been dead, and worked to reaffirm those that make a difference in our lives.  We’ve had periods of amazing togetherness, and a time of separation.  We had health scares and great improvements.  We learned a lot about ourselves and our community and have taken the steps that are best for us.  All of it has shaped who we are as we count down another year and look towards new beginnings.

Next year will be a year of productivity and plans coming to fruition.  Maybe not exactly as we envision them, but roughly so.  Hopefully not purple and sparkly…did I mention the purple?..but in my dream I was overjoyed by my new tattoo.  I have complete faith that next year will bring wonderful things, and they will spring from the designs on 2011.  2012 will be the year for motion and progress, but 2011 will always remain the year that prepared us for that motion and marked the map for that progress.

Thank you, 2011, for the permanent imprint you’ve made on my heart, my soul, and my life.

Aloha.

Go now, make things happen!

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