Perceptions of Modern Poverty

I wanted to talk to you today about something that’s been on my mind since it came up. Money.  I once had a partner hand me a book about debt and budgeting, but instead of being helpful it simply recommended I quit my job and find one that paid better and invest all my savings.  He didn’t understand why the advice didn’t apply to me, as someone who lived paycheck to paycheck and had no savings to invest let alone the resources to find this magical unicorn job.  Money is a hard thing to talk about, especially in relationships, but it’s something I often have to sit down with partners to explain, because perception does not always define reality for someone who has no basis of understanding.

For those who have always lived in a place of privilege, poverty often exists as a very black and white issue. You either have money or you don’t. You either spend it, or you can’t. You’re either destitute or you’re fine.  This is why you hear people say things like “if you didn’t buy Starbucks maybe you could afford to buy a house” not understanding that, flawed credit system aside, poverty is not the extra $10 a week we sometimes have, it’s the extra $500 a month we never have. It’s the credit ruined by medical bills and one missed payment. It’s debt incurred by a sick day we had to take six months ago. 

I’ve grown up in the constant tug of war of poverty, where one week you’re fine but the next you’re struggling. If you’re not on the rollercoaster, the answer seems to be clear. “Save that $10”. Sure. I could. And I’d still be $10 short next week and pressed under the mental and emotional strain of living in a constant state of survival. The small amount of dopamine I get from a $5 taco is worth it, believe me. If you’ve never had to scrape change for bread from the corner market you can’t possibly know how rich it feels to be able to splurge on a taco once in a while. Im grateful not to be that bad anymore, but that trauma response remains. 

This is where perception plays a big role.  I spend extra on good makeup for work because if I wear cheap makeup every day my face will break out in painful rashes.  I have nice things because I keep them immaculate and use them for as long as I can.  They’re often at least secondhand, and I am furious when I break or soil things.  I can afford to give birthday, anniversary, and Christmas presents because I save links for months and buy things all year, so I get them  when they’re on sale.  I make a lot of  things.  I shop around.  Gift giving is a love language of mine, and I’ve gotten particularly good at it.  If I’m out with a partner and I can actually treat them to something, I feel really proud of myself, because it doesn’t happen often. It does mean, however, that I’ve forgone all of those little extras to afford it. I’ve survived on the bare minimum for as long as I’ve needed to, which is a sacrifice I’ve willingly made. The caveat here is that it builds expectations. If I paid for a $50 lunch this time, why can’t I pay all the time? Why? Because I can’t survive on scraps for months on end.  I’ve been put in some particularly uncomfortable situations when asked on the spot to cover things I’m unable to pay for myself, and it’s become a rather sensitive trigger of mine. 

Assumptions and expectations are a dangerous road in general, and they can lead to a lot of resentment. For example, I often have partners and comets give me money for special events with the intention that it be used for a specific purpose. Be it books, experiences on vacation, food, clothing, whatever, the understanding is that they will get to see the results and share in my joy.  For years I’ve struggled with this, because it’s hard for me not to use those funds for more responsible things. It took me years to accept that I deserve basic needs bought for me, let alone frivolous things, so the idea that someone might then think I’m taking advantage of their kindness because of false perception digs pretty deep.  

 I was taught that turning down a generous gift is an insult, so I’m learning to use those gifts in the spirit they were offered, and recently this has caused some turbulence where I felt there wasn’t really a right move I could have made. I won’t hide things.  I also won’t lie about what I did with my own money.  It doesn’t happen a lot, so when it does I do my best to be gracious about it. 

All this to say…don’t let your own experience of the world inform your perception of someone. I admit I have a lot of weird behaviours I still hold on to because of my past, and I’m working on letting a lot of those things go. I no longer force myself to finish a meal if I’m full or eat questionable food. I no longer keep broken things that are obviously unfixable. I no longer feel ashamed for being happy when people give me things.  

A Hinge’s Responsibility

So, let’s talk a little bit about what it means to be a good hinge in polyamory, particularly when there’s a conflict of interest between metas.  I’ve covered this topic before, but it’s something that comes up a lot, so we’re going to talk about it again. 

Let’s imagine Cyd has two partners, Kim and Raven, for whom they’ve decided to cook dinner on separate nights. Cyd decides, to avoid any hurt feelings, they’ll cook the same meal for both partners. They decide on fish tacos. Sounds easy, and tasty, enough. Cyd has the best intentions. This is equality. 

But, Cyd has missed the fact that Kim hates fish, so they talk it over and Cyd decides on chicken enchiladas instead for Kim’s dinner. This is a good thing, and Judas tasty. This is Cyd meeting they’re partner’s need.  

Now, just before dinner with Raven, Cyd mentions the enchiladas, and Raven gets upset. He really likes enchiladas even if she loves the fish tacos. Cyd explains that the tacos are already done and there’s neither time nor money to make enchiladas for that particular meal, but they’ll be happy to make them some other time. 

The answer here is not to toss the tacos and spend their gas money to get to work on enchilada ingredients then stay up late making that instead. It’s also not to tell Kim she’s now stuck with fish tacos because it’s only fair to Raven. 

Raven has every right to be disappointed about this, but it’s not Cyd’s responsibility to stress themself out if they’ve done all they can. A compromise was offered. The onus also isn’t on Kim to suck it up and accept the tacos. She’s also not responsible for Raven’s happiness. 

This is an obviously silly scenario about tacos, but the spirit of the conflict is one that presents itself daily in polyamory support groups. Admittedly, there have been times I’ve let FOMO get the best of me and pulled a “Raven”, but I’ve also been on Kim’s side of the equation where I just needed a little extra consideration. 

In Raven’s case, sometimes polyamory is about sitting in your feelings for a while. While a hinge might be there for support, they cannot and should not try to eliminate every hard feeling that presents itself. That’s a losing battle, and I’ve been in more than one relationship where the hinge drove himself to the verge of a breakdown trying to make everyone happy all the time. In the interim they  would often make promises to each of us that were impossible to keep and placate us in ways that just fed the growing  hostility. In the end, these relationships are untenable, no matter how much people love each other. 

A hinge’s responsibility in this case is to meet the needs they are willing and able to meet without compromising their own integrity and mental health. That’s it. As humans, we must let each other have the experiences we’re having, and sometimes it’s extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking. Growth is often one of the hardest most painful experiences of the human condition. It’s breaking a bone to reset it properly. It’s the sting of antiseptic on a fresh wound. You can’t make it better with blanket rules or restrictions on other partners. That just creates such a chaotic web of hurt and instability that no one, including the hinge, can come out of it whole. 

All I’ve Got

“It’s just you and me now, kid,” my grandmother told me when my Papa died, and for the last year I have learned to paint a truck well enough for it not to rust, trim a lemon tree with 60 year old trimmers from an ancient ladder shakily erected in the bed of said truck, and maintain a house despite my grandma’s best efforts to tear it back down sometimes because she tries to do it all herself. I have had to let go of some possessions of his that I held dear. I have learned how to transfer the title of a car over state lines. I have researched the best options for adding someone to the deed of a house without it wildly affecting the property taxes.  I have been the only one who could pick up the urn and slide it into the statue inside which my Papa is interred. I have been a thousand miles away when the hospital called to ask me for consent for treatment when she needed stents put in her heart. 

My husband helped me drive the truck home, making the best of the impromptu roadtrip to stop at some amazing roadside attractions. We saw the Borax mine. We spent a night in Las Vegas. We stopped at the end of a rainbow during a rainstorm in Utah to pick wild sage. He held me while I broke down with exhaustion and emotion because I put a dent in the truck at a gas station in Colorado. He talked me into stopping “one more time” at the hot springs and just let my soul and body heal. 

I gave up going out for  New Year’s Eve to make sure she was alright. I’ve spent hours sitting in Papa’s spot on the couch watching Hallmark movies because she’s lonely. I’ve silently held space for her as she grieves, even as she tries to hide her pain, because that’s what she’s always done. She’s always been the strong one, the fixer, and the one to hold everyone up, and I know she’s tired. 

All this in the midst of a year of other great loss, of a custody battle for my stepson, of a world biting and scratching to return to something that resembles normal after a two year pandemic, of maintaining a full time job on the road and my own household two time zones away. 

And now as I pick up the responsibility of my dad after the death of his mother, he echoes the words from almost a year ago.

“You’re all I have now.”

And I smile. And I reassure. And I write to-do lists.

I’m stretched thin and I’m tired. I’m navigating multiple things that are out of my wheelhouse. I’m overwhelmed. 

I couldn’t be doing any of this without my chosen family. I’d have crumbled months ago without my partners offering both emotional and physical support. When people ask me “how does poly even work?” this is the example I hold up time and time again.  For an only child with a strained relationship with most of my cousins, this family we’ve built is holding me together.  Without them I’d also be all I’ve got, and I don’t know if I could do it. 

Do You Suppose She’s a Wildflower

The hill behind my grandmother’s house is covered in yellow clover, and in this unseasonably warm weather it’s blooming in a breathtaking golden cascade…and she has me ripping it up. Why? Because they’re “weeds” no matter how pretty they are, Therefore, everything must go. I’m sad for the senseless waste, especially because the bees love this spot. I’m frustrated by the hours of extra work ahead of me. I’m acquiescing because if I don’t do it she’ll kill herself out here doing it herself.

As I tug and pull I am overcome. We’ve done a lot of work to have an adult relationship, but as a child and young adult I was always the weed. An artistic kid, neurodivergent, though girls in the 80s and 90s were rarely diagnosed as such, with curious tastes in most things. An only child with a small smattering of friends, I kept to myself mostly. There weren’t kids I could walk to see. It was me, my mom, and the animals, and that was fine with me, but it made me weird. It made me different. It made me what both grandmothers I saw regularly would use as a backhanded compliment; it made me unique. There was no place for weeds in her garden, no room for black sheep in her herd, so I learned to blend in, struggling under the radar until I could plant my roots elsewhere.

When I left for college I thought I’d be back, and it’s a decision I’ve questioned for the last 20 years. I struggled a lot without the resources I needed to survive. I dropped out of college. My career path was fractally diverted. I wilted without health insurance to provide neither insulin nor mental health care. I juggled new trauma with pockets already overflowing with past trauma. I kicked, I screamed, and not once could I make myself fit into the planter boxes that had loomed over my since birth. I died several times over only to find myself blossoming in a new garden, one I had plotted for myself. Ironically enough, this would be exactly when I would be called back home.

I don’t hide now, but it’s a careful game of chess where some of the squares are equipped with land mines. I still stand out as the sunflower in the rose garden. I am belladonna. I am an orchid. I am a blooming thistle. But I’m here.

You see, I’m the one, in the entire cultivated garden, that thrived. I’m the one, in the specially selected herd, who came back when no one else would pick up the mantle. Just as I know this clover will return. Especially since I play to find some in the spring in the garden center being sold as “ground cover” to welcome it back.

Photo by Saliha on Pexels.com

Thoughts On Being a Healthy Hinge

I write a lot about being a good meta, mostly because I feel like it’s often the most delicate relationship in polyamory. I write a lot about being a good partner, because, well, there is no polyamory without partners. What I haven’t talked about is what it takes to be a hinge in a way that’s healthy for you and the partners you join as metas.

Now, this entire concept changes depending on what kind of polyamory you practice. It might have no bearing at all on someone who is solo poly, but it will be integral to someone who practices kitchen table poly, and useful for someone who identifies as parallel poly. The amount of interaction between partners dictates what it takes to be a good hinge. Another factor is whether the relationships are hierarchical or non hierarchical, and I will do my best to address both.

Communication: I’m going to start, as usual, with communication, especially if your partners aren’t particularly social with each other. This communication needs to be direct, unequivocal, and without sugar coating. Communication includes a few key aspects, but one of the biggest is constructive listening. It’s impossible to play polyamory telephone without good listening skills. This means understanding what each partner is saying to you. This may require some reflective listening to make sure you’re hearing the same thing they’re saying. Reflective listening is when your partner speaks and you repeat back what you heard. It’s a common communication technique in emergency situations, and it is an invaluable skill in relationships.

For me, communication also means filling me in on things even if my partners assume I should already know them. We’re busy people, and sometimes we think we said something and it turns out we just thought about it once and let it slide off the docket.

Knowing each partner’s communication style is integral here. I prefer over-communication, but others might feel bombarded by it. Additionally, a base knowledge of each partner’s consent to share information is key. There may be some things I would like not to be shared with my meta unless I give my consent. The lines between privacy and communication can be very thin, and it’s a conversation that needs to happen regularly.

Boundaries and needs: A healthy hinge has a firm understanding of not only their partners’ boundaries and needs in a relationship but also their own. It’s also important to address when those boundaries and needs might oppose each other. Where can there be compromise and where does the hinge simply need to make an assertion and let their partners decide where to go from there?

This requires a bit of self care and self awareness on the part of the hinge. Without a good handle on their own boundaries and needs they cannot be healthy enough to be present for those of their partners. Hubby likes to say that you should add yourself to your list of partners, and he’s right. Your relationship with self needs to be paramount or you’re headed straight for burnout.

Balance, consistency, and time management: Whew, is this big. Because of my anxiety, consistency is a huge need for me. If the routine and energy given to our relationship shifts without communication, it causes me to spiral. This is directly affected by balance, and is often affected by things that have nothing to do with either relationship. Polyamory does not exist in a vacuum, and hinges have lives. A healthy hinge will be able to balance life and relationships. If things have to change, they need to be able to communicate that in ways their partners need. Time management plays a big role in this as well. Someone with already stretched or imbalanced time management skills will have a hard time finding ways to be a healthy hinge.

Self Assertion: A healthy hinge needs to have the courage to assert their needs and desires and make decisions based on them rather than whatever is easiest. The path of least resistance is often one that leads to problems in both relationships, and there is nothing wrong with wanting something over another thing. Read that again:

There is nothing wrong with wanting something over another thing.

A healthy hinge is allowed to be happy. A healthy hinge is allowed to feel safe and secure to make their own decisions. A healthy hinge needs to accept that not everyone will be happy all the time.

Let’s talk about conflict avoidance. It’s damaging to everyone involved. Everyone. It’s draining to find yourself always catering to one partner or another. It’s hurtful to the other relationships involved. It’s not helping anyone in the long run. Additionally, if you’re always giving extra space to one partner over the other you’ve created an imbalance that can lead to resentment and feelings of being less than. In a hierarchy this might be ok, but if you claim to be non hierarchical, it becomes a hierarchy in time whether you intend it to or not.

Knowing when to get involved: A meta relationship is between the two people involved. It is not a hinge’s job to make sure they get along or like each other. Honestly, they don’t have to. Does it make styles like kitchen table poly easier? Absolutely, but you can’t force it. Putting yourself in between this part of their relationship is exhausting and it takes that power and autonomy away from your partners. I’ve written about this before, and it’s something I’ll keep repeating. It’s not your job to play referee between partners. Mediate if they ask, but Conflict Management is not in your job title. If your partners don’t like each other, your interference isn’t going to change a damned thing. All you can do is set your boundaries and behaviour accordingly.

So what is your job? Decision making about what you want. Don’t send your partners to speak to one another about things you should be doing yourself. It puts them both in a really uncomfortable situation. Case in point. I had a movie date scheduled with a partner a couple of years ago and his nesting partner came home from her plans early. It happened to be a movie she wanted to see. She asked if she could come with us, and he refused to answer. Instead he sent her to me, putting me in the extremely uncomfortable position of either sacrificing a rare date night alone or tell her I didn’t want her to come. He knew how I felt He knew what he wanted. He just didn’t want the responsibility of saying no to her.

Emotional Understanding: This is extremely important. Being able to identify, analyze, and communicate your own emotions is key to being a good hinge. If you can’t figure out your own it makes it extremely difficult to truly understand those of your partners. This can lead to a complete structural meltdown if left too long.

A big part of emotional understanding involves things we usually try to avoid, disappointment and discomfort. These things happen naturally, and knowing how to have empathy and understanding while giving those feelings some space to exist is a delicate balance. However, these feelings are necessary. You can’t make everyone happy all the time. Attempting to do so not only invalidates your own needs but ensures that there will eventually be tension. Growth and healing require learning to deal with these feelings. Healing requires learning to deal with these feelings. Relationship balance sometimes requires an acknowledgement that there is no good solution and someone will end up being disappointed or uncomfortable. That’s life. It’s unavoidable. You can try to mitigate it, but you cannot erase it, nor can you constantly bend to the partner who’s the loudest about their discomfort. There has to be balance or you establish a precedent that can breed feelings of unimportance or resentment.

When it comes down to it, being a healthy hinge is about awareness. Awareness of self. Awareness of your partners. Awareness of the fact that things are always changing. Awareness of boundaries. Awareness of mental and emotional health. Awareness of physical needs. Awareness of love, communication, and processing styles. Yes, it seems like a lot, but in the end it all boils down to communication. Seriously friends, talk to your people.

Go now, be a healthy hinge!

How We Apologize

Apologies are an important part of any relationship, and just like love languages, our apology styles and how we receive apologies changes how we resolve issues and how we react to an apology. This can affect feelings of security and wholeness in a relationship and really steer the issue towards resolution or towards continued issues.

The five apology languages are:

• Expressing regret. …
• Accepting responsibility. …
• Making restitution. …
• Genuinely repenting. …
• Requesting forgiveness.

While some of these may sound similar, the nuances in the action and words make a significant difference.

Expressing regret: This apology language focuses on the emotional hurt you’ve experienced from the other person’s actions or behavior. Focusing on emotional hurt means that hearing a genuine “I’m sorry” goes a long way for you. When someone is expressing regret, you feel that they are expressing the guilt and shame they feel for hurting you or causing you pain. You are not looking for “the next step” in how to fix the problem; you are looking for the person who’s hurt you to own the emotional hurt they’ve caused.

If this is not your language it can sometimes seem like they’re putting their emotional response to their mistake on you and looking for sympathy in an attempt to sideline the apology and put the focus on their feelings. If this is you, make sure you validate their feelings before expressing yours.

Accepting responsibility: This apology language requires the person apologizing to admit they were wrong and accept responsibility for their wrongdoing. This can be difficult for us to do as it is challenging to admit to your mistakes, especially if those mistakes have caused pain to someone else. However, if this is your apology language, you are looking for a genuine apology that accepts responsibility and does not attempt to make excuses or justifications. For an apology to feel genuine, you need the other person to simply say “I am wrong,” without further explanation.

If this is not your language, it can sound and feel like you’re left hanging without an explanation as to why something happened. If this is you, try asking if they’d like more information. Sometimes that definitely matters.

Making Restitution: This apology language requires justification or explanation for the person’s wrongdoing. If this is your apology language, you want to hear from your partner that they still love you, even after feeling hurt. There are many ways to make restitution, especially if we look at the five love languages. To feel loved after an apology, your partner must meet your love language to make restitution. Essentially, you’re looking for assurance that your partner still cares and is attempting to assure you by meeting your needs in the ways that are most important to you.

If this is not your language it can sometimes feel like they’re looking for validation, again, to take the focus off you and your feelings. If this is you, start by mentioning that you’re not making excuses and that you accept your responsibility for the infraction. Avoid “but” statements.

Genuinely Repenting: This apology language focuses on how the person apologizing will modify their behavior in future similar situations. Not only is there a genuine apology for the pain caused, but also verbalization for the desire to change. Genuinely repenting takes an extra step towards change, as you need to hear the person express they want to change and set realistic goals for how they will make those changes. Unlike expressing regret, you ARE looking for that “next step” and how your partner will ensure this does not happen again.

If this is not your language, this can make you feel like it’s too little too late and you’ll believe it when you see it. If this is you, try to ask if there’s anything they need to make things better, or even if there’s anything that can be done, thereby including them in the plans not just listing ways you’re going to fix the problem.

Requesting Forgiveness: This apology language is all about asking for forgiveness and giving your partner space to decide if they forgive you. If this is your love language, it is meaningful to you for your partner to actually ask for your forgiveness. Requesting forgiveness is much different than demanding forgiveness. The key to requesting forgiveness is to allow the hurt partner to make the final decision, rather than force it upon them. By demanding forgiveness, you are taking away the sincerity if forgiveness is given.

If this is not your language, it can often feel like they’re putting the onus on you and pressuring you for an answer. If this is you, try to preface with “you don’t need to answer now, but…”. This way it takes the immediate answer anxiety off your partner who may still be hurting.

Knowing each partner’s apology language is extremely important, as is knowing your own, on both sides of the apology. Only then can we learn to better communicate with each other and genuinely change how we reconnect after a fight. It is important to remember that change is hard. Constructive change does not mean we will immediately be successful. There will be highs and lows on the road to change, and it’s important to give your partner, and yourself, room for backsliding. We’re human, and nothing worth learning is learned overnight.

No matter what your apology language is, it’s always a good idea to ask your partner, and perfaph discuss this before there’s conflict, what they need from you as part of your apology. This way you can have the information before emotions are involved, and that’s always a good way to prepare for situations where emotions can be intense and sometimes blinding.

No matter what, always remember the words “I’m sorry”.

Go now, find your Apology Language: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/apology-quiz/

How We Fight

The Gottman Institute says that 69% of the things we fight about in relationships are things that cannot be resolved. That’s…a lot of conflict, and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Conflict is natural. Conflict brings change. Conflict is just another way of communicating with one another. Conflict is, if you intend for a relationship to exist long term, unavoidable. What makes or breaks a relationship is not just apology styles and how we repair a connection after conflict, but how we engage in the first place.

So, say conflict arises. What happens next is very important. Ask yourselves:

What kind of argument is this? Is this a stupid nothing fight? Is it about something specific or something general? Am I hungry, thirsty, tired, stressed from work? Is this actually something extremely serious?

Am I prepared for this argument? I don’t mean prepared like, do I have all my ammunition to do all the damage?I. I mean, do I have the spoons for this to be a healthy conflict? The difference between a toxic fight and a productive fight in my experience is often how drained I am and how much I’m blindsided by it. If I can feel it coming I can be ready to address it logically and productively. Otherwise, I spiral almost immediately.

What are the emotions involved? Does this conflict involve someone’s fear or anxiety? Is one of us hurting? Angry? Depressed? The emotional content and load factor of any fight will make or break it. The more emotional the more likely it is that we’ll just continue to escalate the emotional aspect of the fight and not address the core issue at hand.

What does my body language say? I admit, my body language is loud. If I’m hurt I shrink. If I’m defensive I’m aggressive. If I’m angry, I’m full of kinetic energy. One of the first things we discuss when we talk about toxic masculinity is how a man’s body language can automatically trigger trauma response. Being in my space. Repeatedly hitting his hands on things or together. Pacing. All of these things will send me into fight or flight mode. Being aware of how our partners interpret body language is an extremely useful tool in the conflict tool box.

What assumptions am I making? Do I already know part of the story? Do I think I know part of the story? Do I actually have the correct information, or have I already assumed things about this fight before we’re at its nucleus? Am I actually listening or running on my own assumptions?

What are the words I’m saying actually say? Often when I’m emotional the words coming out of my mouth don’t match the thoughts I’m thinking, and the resulting miscommunication acts like dynamite to a fight. I handle conflict better in emails and written form because I can put down exactly what I’m trying to say without the wires between brain and mouth being crossed.

What is my tone saying? Did I start this fight already being defensive? Am I yelling because I’m excited and emotional? Am I unusually quiet because I’m hurt or feeling guilty? Tone. Changes. Everything.

Am I fighting fair? This is huge. I have a background of abuse, and often the only thing I had to fight back was my words. It’s a toxic habit I sometimes fall back into during fights, and I hate it. It causes permanent damage to relationship and it’s abusive to my partner. Weaponizing my words doesn’t help anything. It shuts down the other person, it shuts down the argument, and it fuels the fire of the fight.

When do we stop? At what point do we realize we’re spiraling and step away until we can come back to the matter? I’ve had fight safewords for just this reason. I often have to step away from a fight because I’m so worked up that I can’t think straight or I can feel myself getting to a place where I’m just lashing out. Hubby used to take this as a sign of walking away and leaving things unresolved. We’ve gotten to a point now where I can say “we will come back to this, but right now it’s just going to get ugly and we’re just going to keep going in circles” and he doesn’t feel like I’m abandoning him in the middle of an argument.

Now what?

Well, if you’re able to come to a resolution, that’s fantastic. Congratulations. Now work through the resolution, remember that backsliding doesn’t invalidate the resolution, and keep moving forward.

If it’s been a nothing fight? Laugh about it. Honestly, I could write books about the stupid bullshit I’ve fought about when I’m stressed. In retrospect, nothing fights can be something to remind us to take a deep breath, binge some Netflix together, and try to release some stress.

But…If it’s one of those 69% of issues that just can’t be resolved? You have some decisions to make. Is this a deal breaker? How can we approach this conflict in the future to be less explosive? If there’s no compromise possible can the relationship ultimately survive the strain? What can we do about the issue that mitigates the conflict even just a little bit? This is one of the hardest lessons to learn, because we like to believe there;s an answer for everything. If there’s not, how we’ve witnessed fights as kids and experienced fights as adults often tells us it;s a relationship killer. It doesn’t have to be. It can even be an opportunity to learn and grow as individuals and as a couple.

How we fight is really important. A lot of our toxic habits come out during conflict. A lot of toxic monogamy we’ve yet to unlearn comes out during conflict. A lot of bullshit we absorbed from our childhood comes out during conflict. We’re emotional. We;re often irrational. We’re generally already in a red zone where we can’t see a better way to operate.

Like many other relationship behaviours, fighting is something we can learn to do better, bit it is something we have to practice. These questions won’t always come to mind in a fight until much much later, but I’m hoping after a while they’ll become something that sticks in the back of your brain so that even in the moment you can remember even just a few of them.

Go now, fight fair.

Finding New Ways to Heal

I alluded a little bit in one of my last posts about a breakup, and I’ve gone back and forth over how much I was going to talk about it, but it does deserve a little space, as that relationship was a core piece of my life. You don’t expect a relationship of almost three years to simply dissolve, but it did, and as hard as I adapted and understood and worked to make things right, I couldn’t.

Breakups are hard, man. Seriously. And this one? Right before my birthday! It could have at least come with a card that played music or something, but no, it happened quite fittingly in Facebook messages and noncommittal terms because there was no dramatic event that lead up to it, no big blow up, no huge revelations… just the one that he simply wasn’t happy here. But right before my birthday, and I struggled with how to proceed. I was devastated, and yet I’d promised myself that this birthday was going to be about me celebrating me. I’d be damned if I was going to let it be consumed by me grieving for him.

Quite fittingly, someone asked me yesterday how I handle bad mental health days, and after I delivered a litany of questionable coping mechanisms I thought about how I would have handled this breakup a year or two ago and how I had spent the previous two weeks. The differences were quite acute.

My usual method of healing post breakup is to pull the plug for a while and just stop responding to life for a while. Self care via dark cold room if you will. After that I’d swing to the other side of the spectrum and surround myself with anyone I possibly could and spend all my energy and focus on external stimuli. These things are great, but exceedingly draining, and it would be months before I’d really address the deeper wound left behind.

So how did I manage to honour both my need to celebrate and the space I needed to give my emotions surrounding a breakup? I learned to ride the waves.

I went on a women’s retreat… I chakra danced (which I may write more about later) in a blindfold and forgot anyone else was in the room. I reconnected with someone I’ve known and loved for almost 18 years. We snuggled and laughed and read tarot. I spoke with people I know my path was meant to have on it. We made flower crowns and sat around the fire with sparklers listening to Native American flute playing. I dyed my hair purple, even if I did just come out mostly black, and on the way out we stopped at a sunflower field and brought home armfuls of bright happy flowers.

I spent time with loves and good friends… On my birthday I had the pleasure of seeing four different people, all of whom bring different smiles to my face. People sent messages and made phone calls and sang to me. There was day drinking and walking in the rain. I left my ID at the house, which meant we couldn’t get into any of the bars or bowling alleys in the area, so instead we parked at a Sonic and shared laughs, conversation, and tots.

I let the tears flow… mostly because I was exhausted on an airplane at 0600.

I pet a kangaroo… Seriously, did you know the Nashville Zoo lets you pet kangaroos? Anyone who knows me knows how much I love animals and zoos, especially if I get to touch said animals. I got to see a women’s restroom with an enclosure in it full of tamarins. We were there around closing time, so we saw the animals pacing and active waiting for to be fed as a reward for not eating any children. I walked a rope bridge and looked at a bird-eater tarantula for over 5 seconds.

I pet a kangaroo… Just in case you missed it the first time!!!!

I was gifted a cake… quickest way to my heart. Birthday cake.

I introduced a new BFF to Uber Eats… and watched her freak out about having Taco Bell delivered to us at midnight while we drank wine and snuggled watching Kitchen rescue and giggled about how dreamy Gordon Ramsey is. We discovered an International Food Market and laughed our way around parts of one of my favourite cities. She took me to a huge used book store where I browsed through graphic novels to some WWII era crooning while a thunderstorm rumbled and rattled the roof.

I introduced a crush to Thai food… which is one of my favourite types of food! We laughed and looked at Halloween stuff at Michael’s. She let me vent a little bit and didn’t judge when I rambled about my breakup. She took me to an abandoned church where we took pictures and selfies. I met her hubby, who is also a crush, and we played Cards Against Humanity and laughed until there were tears in our eyes. We snuggled on the couch to my hotel room, which had USB ports in the microwave and was completely random. Her hubby and I wandered around the mall like silly teenagers to be able to talk and get to know each other. When they dropped me off at the airport we all hugged and I felt more warmth than I could have imagined. We all had little stresses and anxieties happening, but I felt happy and optimistic.

I wandered through an adult store in Atlanta… come on, it was called Starship Enterprises. Seriously. I found a new toy in a shape I’ve never seen before. I got to see yet another human I adore.

I was honest… Please read that again. I was honest.

I was honest about my emotions. When I was nervous or anxious. When I was sad or drained. When I was confused. But also when I was happy. You see, I have a post breakup problem with not letting myself feel joy for a while. It makes me feel vulnerable and nervous. It makes me feel conflicted. It makes me feel like the fact that I’m still having sad moments looks fake. But I took a chance and spoke my feelings and was honest with myself about what I wanted. I stopped talking myself out of things.

There’s freedom and healing in honesty. There’s healing in being true to yourself and your heart, whether it’s hurting or glowing. There’s healing in fearlessly taking the next step, then the next, then the one after that.

And yes, there’s healing in petting kangaroos.

Community Lessons on Compersion

The original title of this post was “Compersion Myths Discussed”, but it dawned on me how inherently negative that was, and my intention here is to write about positivity.  For this one I asked my community about what lessons they’ve learned about compersion through experience.  The results were diverse and educational.

Compersion: The feeling of joy one has experiencing another’s joy

In my experience, I struggled with compersion for a long time.  I have a lot of abandonment issues, and worse, fears that I won’t be left but merely set aside and humoured once in a while.  I have only had one relationship in my life survive a new partner, and that’s been my marriage.  I held my breath through NRE widow periods when I just ceased to exist.  I was expected to understand and smile and wish partners well when their new love wasn’t poly and couldn’t accept me.  I dealt with gradual ghostings where there was just less and less time for me.

I held a lot of these painful experiences on my shoulders, and they became me responsibility.  Who was I to write and speak about poly if I couldn’t find absolute blissful joy for my partners when they found new love?  I felt broken.  I felt like a fraud.  I felt lost.   I started to hide my anxieties.  Anyone who suffers from anxiety will tell you, hiding it and swallowing it only allows it to fester.  Oh and it festered, until it infected everything.  Then something amazing happened.  I found a partner who heard me.  He listened to my concerns and anxieties, and he didn’t tell me I was bad.  He didn’t tell me I was wrong.  We didn’t fight; we talked it out.

Something amazing happens when I feel safe, loved, and heard.  Compersion.  Something else happens.  Sometimes the anxiety, the insecurities, the real life logistical concerns don’t go away, and I’ve learned that it’s ok.  Compersion doesn’t replace needs.  All these things can coexist, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  It doesn’t mean I’m “failing poly”.  It doesn’t make me a horrible partner.  It makes you human.

So, I’ve been mulling over this for a few months, and it’s still something I go back and forth with, but I’ve started to do a few things.

1.  I look at the situation and figure out if I’m really jealous of the time spent with someone else or that I’m stuck at work and they’re out doing something fun.  Usually it’s the latter.
2. If I am jealous of the time spent with someone else, why?  Am I having a bad day?  Do I have a need I haven’t realized?  Do I merely miss my partner?  Being so far away from all of my partners means sometimes I just miss them, and I worry about the distance meaning I’m the last for them to find time with me.  I know this isn’t the reality of the relationship, but my brain is a jerk, friends.
3. How can I resolve this feeling?  Is it adding a cool new item to the list of things to do when I see this person?  Is it voicing a need?  Is it reminding myself that we have tons of amazing memories and liking all the awesome pictures of what they’re doing on Facebook?  Usually it’s a combination of these things for me, because once I’ve sorted this I can appreciate the time they’re having.

This question lead to a few really interesting discussions, and I appreciated everyone who gave their perspective.

Here are a few:

Sometimes compersion isn’t feeling joyful or happy about your partner with someone else, sometimes it’s just acceptance.

Someone else responded here that “joy” is in the definition of the word compersion, and it’s true, but OP said something else that struck a chord.  Sometimes just the contentment of being able to accept something brings its own form of joy with it.  For some people, becoming aware of that step, or being able to find peace in a situation they might not feel comfortable or happy with, is a huge weight to release, and that is definitely a moment to revel in.  I remember the first time I gave Hubby’s girlfriend at the time a Valentine’s Day card thanking her for making him so happy.  It was a huge step and a freeing experience.  Even if she and I didn’t particularly get along.  Even if I didn’t agree with the way she conducted her relationships.  Even if I felt she intentionally sought to cause problems.  None of that mattered.  I was able to  be grateful for his happiness and accept her role in it.

You can grasp the concept AND still need to work to feel it.

Hallelujah! I’m glad someone said this, so I didn’t have to.  I’ve said it before in discussing the trials of newly opened relationships.  You can do all the reading.  You can do all the discussing.  You can learn all the buzzwords, and you’re still going to be caught off guard by emotions.  This is also one of those lessons.  Understanding compersion doesn’t mean you’ll master it on the first go any more than YouTube videos can teach you to swim.  You might be a natural.  You might get lucky and have a good first experience.  You might hit the water, feel it run up your nose, and panic.  And you know what?  Next time is going to be completely different, because no two days in your life are the same, and our experience is often flavoured by outside influences and conditions.  See above:  Am I having a bad day?   My advice.  Keep working.  Talk about it.  It’s worth it.

 

 It is in no way mandatory to feel compersion to be “real” poly. And sometimes, even if the majority of the time you do feel it, you’ll have moments where you don’t, and that’s okay too.

I’ve learned that compersion can’t be forced. And if you don’t feel it right away, you shouldn’t be hard on yourself. It’s hard for your head to understand that feeling sometime, and you just have to allow yourself to adjust.

The point here, is to not be hard on yourself if you don’t feel it.  This isn’t a free pass to be a jerk to your partner, but it is an opportunity to open up discussion.  Believe me when i say avoiding it all together is not a good idea in most cases.  Talk. Talk. Talk.  Do some internal searching. Talk some more.  If the opportunity is there, maybe spend some time with the other person involved.  I’ve found that learning the real person behind the outlandish abstract of infinite horrible worst case scenarios is a big help.

I admit, when they are on the verge of a new relationship, I still tend to get a little jealous, but once that feeling passes the compersion is definitely there. I think it’s adorable how excited they get talking to a new person and seeing them happy.

This is a really important thing to remember.  Compersion doesn’t have to be instantaneous to count.  Read it again.  Compersion does NOT have to be instantaneous to count.  Sometimes it takes some processing.  Sometimes it takes some discussion.  Sometimes it just takes a little exposure.  For the love of ice cream, don’t give up.  Did you see that second part?  It’s amazing!

You find it in the damnedest places and about the oddest things.

This is one of the most amusing things about compersion to me.  I can spend a month agonizing over how soon it’s going to be before I’m toast, then something clicks, something absolutely random.  For me it’s always been hearing that the other person mentioned me in passing.  An example of one of my random A-ha! moments of compersion was hitting Six Flags with Hubby and his new girl, which was also my birthday and the first time I’d ever met her, and watching her attempt to ride all the roller coasters with him.  I cannot, and will not, ride them, and seeing him find someone who would suck up her own fears and make it a personal challenge to ride ALL OF THEM was heartwarming.  Did I still have some anxieties after that?  Of course I did, because compersion is fluid.  Still, that was the moment I could see it, feel it, and enjoy it.

Feeling positive things for your partner comes back and improves all of your interactions.

Plain and simple, it does.  It reminds me every time why I chose poly.  It reminds me that I, too, can be open about new experiences and connections, and of how much love and support my partners give me when I’m on the other side of compersion.  It’s a helpful two-way street for me.  I find compersion by remembering that when I make a new connection none of the other fades, and that I am still madly in love with each of the partners in my life.  If I can do it, why should I be afraid that someone who has been good for and to me can not?  The joy this feeling gives me is one of the most fulfilling things a heart can experience, being grateful and surrounded by love, knowing that each of my partners still chooses me and that I am a part of a big beautiful web.  It leads to almost a reignited NRE feeling, and I’ve long since stopped having partners that make me an NRE widow, because that’s not healthy poly.  If I need time and assurance, I ask for it.  If they’re not willing to give it to me?  I decide if that’s behaviour I can accept.

I don’t feel jealousy often at all. I get envious of time spent sometimes, but most often, I experience compersion for anyone who is feeling loved and happy. I love love. I want to hear stories of love, good and bad, and I enjoy the energy people give off when they’re in love.
I am also a major introvert and I enjoy my ME time. Although I’ve been single for about 5 months, I am hardly ever without things to do. I’ve learned to love my time alone. So, when I do have a partner, and if they’re off with someone else, I will most likely find something to fill my time.

Hubby hates spicy food, and his partner, who lives with us, has some unfortunate food allergies.  Them being out means I can cook what I want.  With so many people in our small house, quiet alone time is rare.  This is how I first found at least a hint of compersion.  I found a hobby I would only do when Hubby was out with his girlfriend a the time.  In time, I came to look forward to their date nights.  It’s a little different now that my job and our living situation has changed, but there are ways to find a silver lining even when I might want to be out with them or feel lonely.

I am not really a jealous person, it’s just not something I often feel. I also don’t tend to feel possessive of my loves.
So with my partners, compersion is often finding joy that they are happy, loved, and fulfilled no matter what they are doing or with whom.
And I also admit that I enjoy the 20% when they are out and I get me time to do whatever as well.

It’s true.  There are people who don’t feel jealousy.  Good on them, really.  I realize this doesn’t mean they are without needs or anxieties.  Emotions and reactions manifest differently in different people.  I have a few partners who don’t experience jealousy, and for a while, again, I took it to mean there was something wrong with how I feel in a relationship.

 

Some additional comments from my people:

• For me it’s a sign that you truly love someone… That you want them to be happy. Compersion is never about yourself. At least in my opinion.
• That falling in love with the love someone has for someone else is both bizarre and absolutely wonderful. That you can get butterflies, for them.
• It is good in the beginning hard then and ends up very good
• Feeling compersion is great and comes easily to me, but I also experience sorrow when someone’s relationship is going through trouble. I try to fix things so they can be happy again, and so can I. And sometimes that just doesn’t happen.
•  I’ve experienced it, makes me happy when I see him happy. Even if it isn’t me that is making him happy, why wouldn’t I be joyful for him?
• I’ve never been jealous or possessive and i like to see people in my circle happy..it genuinely feels good to see . Always been that way.
•  I get super excited when they are happy and talking about a new person…I find it just adorable! I don’t get jealous…the most I will get is envious of they are doing something that sounds fun that I would like to do but I am always happy when they are happy
• I get all giggling and school girl like, and am like “tell me more, tell me more.”  I wanna know all the things. As my eyes are big and smile awaiting to hear so much more.
  Sometimes, though, if I feel a bit insecure in a relationship, I may not have as much compersion. That is when I rely on my partner to assure me of my place and value.

 

I think the most important line in this entire post is “at least in my opinion”.  There is no right or wrong way to feel, find, or work on compersion.  I , and a group of my friends, can only give you the words of experience.  Compersion, in my opinion, is one of the biggest hurdles in poly, and no one or nothing can make it happen.  Keep working.  Keep loving.  Keep moving forward.

 

Go now, find your joy.

Aloha

The Community Table

The idea of kitchen table poly has always appealed to me.  I was an only child, and having a chosen family structure is an imperative part of my life. That being said, the key word here is”chosen”, which implies a choice, and by placing an “ideal”on something we strip away its choice.  Here’s the rub.

In many cases it’s a fairly simple equation. My partner and I have a loving relationship.  They and their other partners have loving relationships.  I love people who make my people happy.  Come to my table!  Sometimes, however, people don’t get along.  I can’t force anyone to like me.  I can’t force anyone to want to get to know me.  I can’t force anyone to want anything to do with me.  In that same vein, I can’t force my partners to get along.  Ideal vs free will reality, and with free will reality comes a choice.

Do I cling to the Rockwellian portrait of poly I’d love to see or so I adjust expectations and keep my heart, and the seats at my table, open? 

Enter The Community Table.

It’s possible to maintain the spirit and ideals behind Kitchen Table Poly and adapt to free will reality, you just have to tweak perspective a little.  As a kid, my parents were divorced, and those households treated dinner very differently.  At my Dad’s house dinner was 1700 every night, Hell or high water, and it was expected that everyone would be there every single night.  To this day, if you call that house at dinner time someone better be dying. My mom, however, ran things a little more fluidly, depending on schedules and when people were hungry.  If she cooked and you weren’t hungry, you could sit and chat.  If you were busy with homework or something else was happening, as long as you respectfully let her know what was going on there was no harm done.  My friends knew there was a seat for them at our table, on our couch, in our home, whenever they needed it, day or night.  Two tables. Two very different ways of approaching the same experience.

I’ve recently started to see the images in my mind of the ideal situation change to incorporate my mom’s adaptable Community Table approach to my life in general, not just my poly.  If you’re a part of my Ohana there is a seat for you at my table, regardless of whether or not you ever use it or want it.  The people of my people are also my people, and in times of need nothing else matters.  My mom didn’t necessarily approve of all of my friends.  I know for a fact there were a few she couldn’t stand, but if they were hungry they were welcome.  She might not choose to eat dinner with us, but it didn’t mean I had to send them away.  The Community Table gave all of us an open invitation, a place at the table, and a choice, and this is what poly, what family, is about for me.

The Community Table leaves the lines of communication open and supports the opportunity to build relationships without pressure or finality.  It authenticates freedom of choice by allowing every day to be a new choice, and it gives us all the room to grown and adapt as the table changes shape and size.  The Community Table becomes the access point for my life and my Ohana, where no one is pressured or sent away, and that’s my “ideal” situation.

Aloha.

Go now.  Find your seat.