You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘balance’ tag.

compersion

So, in 2012 I wrote this, and wasn’t I cute.  Go ahead.  Read it.  It’s still valuable information, but it merely skimmed the juvenile surface of a much more mature problem.  Also, note my almost defiant optimism that what we now know as The Vanishing Act would not, in fact, be a disaster.  Ok, so Hubby may have been right on that one, but now this is the evidence he needs every time he thinks a new relationship is a bad idea.  I’m surprised there’s not a commemorative plaque on the wall to mark the day in history.

This started out as a post about the balance between having compassion for the growing pains my existing partners experience when a new partner is added without letting it completely destroy my NRE.  Then it morphed, as I began to have more and more conversations about compersion, not only with my partners but with friends.  Here’s the Quick Guide to Compersion.  Or at least what I understand of it.

 

Compersion is unconditional.  It can’t only exist when you’re being doted on just as much as the new partner.  It can’t only exist if my NRE is exactly like it was with you.  It can’t only exist if you’re in some other way occupied.  It compersion isn’t there even when you’re having a hard time processing the new relationship you’re lying to everyone, including yourself.

 

Compersion doesn’t mean not questioning.  If you have concerns you still have to voice them rationally.  If you have disagreements you still have to work through them.  You’re allowed to ask for compromise or whatever you need to process, but compersion requires you to handle it like two adults who love each other.  Isn’t this what it’s all about?  Aren’t you together because you love each other?

 

Compersion doesn’t invalidate growing pains.  You can still have your process, you just can’t use it to be a shyte to everyone else.  You’re more likely, in fact, to get the extra attention and compassion you need if you’re not.  Compersion means understanding and putting the happiness of your partner in the forefront, but it does not mean sacrificing  your own well-being.  It’s your responsibility to address it before it becomes a big scary issue, a fight, or resentment, not your partner’s.

 

What this all boils down to is love, respect, compassion, and balance.  In a relationship, shouldn’t those things exist already?

 

 

Aloha.

Go now.  Demand your balance.

Advertisements

(Apologies for being late…WordPress obviously didn’t save my post scheduling. )

 

As the Harvest Moon passes and Mabon approaches, I feel my spirit beginning to reach for the balance that comes with the season.  Summer has been a time of adventure, love, and growth, and now it’s time to slow down a little bit and prepare for what the dark season brings.

Preparation.  What have I been continuing to spend energy on that just isn’t being fruitful?  What am I still clinging to that’s just taking up space.  (Remember this post?)  What and who do I want keeping me company for the cold, dark, introspective time ahead?  The answer to these questions make a huge difference in how I emerge in the spring.  The most important question for me to answer is just that, How do I want to emerge in the spring?  

At Mabon, the second harvest, we begin to see exactly what we will have with which to move forward.  We’ve all heard the phrase We reap what we sow, and this is the harvest where we can no longer hope for anything other than what we have.  All we can do is accept what we have created and give thanks, yes, even for what we don’t want.  Why?  Because every failure is a chance to celebrate a success, every step back is a chance to thank what has helped us move forward, and every downswing is a chance to know that balance is soon restored.  Every weakness we weed from our crops is a chance to remember how strong we can be, that this is not the first or worst winter we will ever face.  Every year we face the darkness, and every year we emerge.  The harvest of Mabon decides how we will nourish and reshape ourselves in that time.

The time between Mabon and Yule is the window through which we feel the strength of the sun diminish and begin to build up our inner strength.  At least where I live in the Northeast, it is usually the post Yule part of the wheel that is the most harsh weather-wise.  Genreally this is how life flows as well.  The joy, social glow, and distraction of the holidays will be over, and cabin fever will begin to set in.  We become frustrated with the cold, with each other, and with the state in which life has been frozen solid, knowing we’ve still got a few months before the warmth returns.  This is where our true strength is integral to our survival, here in the thick of winter.  This window between the two seasons is the place where we build up that strength and prepare ourselves.  This window is where we decide what makes us strong and what makes us weak, and we act accordingly.

So take this day to celebrate and give thanks, then take some time to visualize who you want to be when you emerge in the spring.  Decide how to manifest that you in the interim.  I have all the faith in you.

 

Aloha

Go now….balance.

 


		

“You’re too smart for that.”

 

I have heard these words since I was a child.  As females, my generation was taught at an early age  that any show of emotion is irrational behaviour, and that if we want to be taken seriously in any area we must only rely on intellect.  As adults we are accused of histrionics at the slightest hint of emotion and as silly idiots if we follow anything out of pure intuition.  In fact, none of us is trained how to use our intuition as a resource.  We are told instead to ignore one of our most useful navigational tools.  Why is it hard to grasp a well-rounded life in which emotions and intellect don’t need to be mutually exclusive?

I am no stranger to the terms “follow your heart” or “follow your gut“.  These, and many other “do what feels right” adages are all ways of explaining the same thing: intuition.  One of intuition’s easiest languages to learn to read is emotions.  Can you see the pretzel beginning to form here?

The problem here is that we cannot learn to feel and process our emotions while we’re suppressing them.  We make mistakes.  As children we throw tantrums, and at some point we are all emotional, hormonal adolescents, but what society overlooks is a chance in those moments to not only teach us how to cope with emotions, rather than avoiding them, but to read them in others in order to better interact with other emotional humans. Enter: Customer Service.  I have gotten quite adept in my years of teaching, working with children with special needs, and working in Customer Service to know how to identify emotions in others and mold my approach to them accordingly.  I’ve made a sort of side hobby out of observing those around me and figuring out how people communicate their emotions without even knowing it. Imagine what a world we could live in if we were all taught these skills.

With Imbolc approaching the unnecessary disconnect between emotions and intellect has played heavily in my personal meditation.  Intuition might make me more likely to take risks, but even if those dice don’t fall where I want them to I gain something from rolling them.  This is also not a blind science.  Intuition and emotions may draw my attention to a specific area, and from there I can calculate the risks and decide whether the best case scenario is worth the worst.  Being a wife, a friend, a girlfriend, a businesswoman, a lady, and an adult all at once is a juggling act.  One can’t be too cold, too distant, too expressive, too whimsical, to caring, or too trusting of one’s intuition.    Brighid, however, shows us exactly how to juggle all those things without dropping anything or sacrificing quality.

Brighid is healer, midwife, poet, warrior, and smith, among other things.  When I evoke her in rituals I often speak to one of these facets, but I have found recently that calling out to one, powerful, multifaceted Brighid has made me stronger and more focused as a practitioner and as a woman.  Why?  Because Brighid’s complexity is what makes her powerful.  While each of her elements has its unique properties, it is putting them together that makes her Brighid.  She is the light of hope to make it through the rest of the winter because she is not just a single ray of light, she is the dazzling sunlight of dawn.  She is not just a single flame, she is every flame that has sparked from her torch.  She is intellect, art, and intuition, which is what makes her unstoppable.

Looking at Brighid this way has taught me volumes about myself.  I am not either a writer or a photographer.  I am not either a wife or a woman with a career goal.  I am not driven either by my intellect or my emotions.  I am all of these things, and I am stronger and more beautiful because of it.

 

Go now, feel your complexity.

Aloha

imbolc

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions.  I generally believe that every day is a change to start over.  Every day is an opportunity to be better than I was the day before.  There is no reason to wait until the first of the year to improve life.  So what is our preoccupation with New year’s Resolutions?  The first of the year gives us a clean slate.  It’s like a zero on the timeline from which to count forward.  What we forget, however, is that even death is not a tabula rasa.  This is why so many resolutions fail.  In order to grow and pursue our greatest potential we must accept accountability for past decisions, learn from them, and make peace with them.  For example, I can’t expect to jump into a new workout routine and nail it on the first try.  I must identify why I have failed in the past and learn how to pass former benchmarks.  I must also accept my surroundings, my financial capabilities, my time management realities, and anything else that may throw my new goal off course, not to make excuses for failure but to make a strategy for success.

This year the New Year falls on a new moon in Capricorn.  What this means is a very earth heavy new moon energy with the added optimism of a whole world of people celebrating a new start.  This is the perfect time to dig deep, plant the seeds for the coming year, and pushing ahead with goals that may have fallen into stasis or become unmovable.  This moon also pushes us to make this new start with integrity and authenticity. I want to look healthy and feel better about myself, not, I want to look like an airbrushed supermodel.   It inspires us to pursue the future in the spirit of passion rather than one of fear.  I want to lose weight so I can participate in a Disney Marathon,  not, I want to lose weight because I’m afraid I’ll never find someone who thinks I’m beautiful.

The alignments of this new moon center strongly around transformation and self liberation.  Most of our resolutions fail because of self-sabotage.  We constantly compare ourselves and our lives to past experiences and limitations we’ve either placed on ourselves or allowed other to place upon us.  The task here is to decide what’s important, what’s worth what you’ll spend on it as the wheel turns, and how to fit it in to the life you’re already living.

What will aid us in this all of this?  Perspective.  Attitude.  Balance.  We cannot take on these new tasks already defeated, guarded, or at limited intensity.  We must be able to give them our all with the firm belief that we will be victorious.  We must be able to identify the walls that have trapped us for too long, realize that the mortar that holds them together is nothing but fear and self-doubt, break them down, and begin to build the roads that lead us to the rest of our brilliant lives.  Without this new light on life is the only thing that will get us through the darkness between planting our new seeds and having an orchard of fruit-bearing trees at our disposal, because what Capricorn teaches us is that this is going to take time, but oh will it be worth it if we can stay on target.

My work for the night is deeply personal as I try to learn to focus, not on what I want to manifest in the coming yea,r but how to blaze the paths  that get me there.  Those things have been manifested for a long time.  I just need to find them.

 

ImageJ=1.43u

 

Blessed be, and Happy New Year!

Aloha!

Go now, celebrate and start forward!

Pagan Wheel of the Year

 

 

I was once told during a Mabon divination ritual to plant my seeds in the winter instead of the spring like most, and it has rang true that I am generally more inspired and fruitful in the darker half of the year.  Maybe it comes from the introspection that comes in the colder seasons.  I am less distracted by the light energy and vibrating dance of the spring and summer.  It could also be that I find my inspiration in the darker portions of myself, those places that we often try to ignore or change.

 

In the story of Persephone we see an eventual balance of light and dark.  In embracing the darkness and joining Hades, Persephone sets in motion the events that create a separation between the light and dark times of the year.  It is her journey that brings the world balance.

 

It is important that we too have this balance in our lives to reach our full potential.  Persephone doesn’t just travel to the darkness, she loved it.  She takes it in and tastes it, and in the end she returns to it again and again as a part of her self.  We too must learn to experience and love our darkness as a part of who we are.

 

When we use the word “darkness” we think of frightening and unwelcome things.  We think of violence and negativity.  We think of anything dark as a blight, but true darkness can be a thing of beauty.  The dark is “scary” because that’s when our imaginations take over, but some of life’s most magical things come from the imagination.  The dark is the unknown, but the unknown gives us endless possibilities if we can get over our fear of it.  From the dark we pull courage, strength, and inner calm.  If we use what the darkness can give us to create and grow as much as we use the light we can be unstoppable.

 

Inner darkness is a place of deep emotion, sensuality, and survival.  A place of transformation and rebirth.  Each of these aspects of our personality holds immense power and potential that can be tapped into if we can take the steps to make our own journey to our own Underworld.  I won’t say it’s not a little daunting.  Steps are unsure and footing is loose.  At first it can be terrifying, but once you’ve mapped the route and made peace with the darkness it can be a place of solace and quiet comfort.

 

Loving your darkness is about balance, but it is also about releasing fear.  Once you are fearless you are free.

 

 

 

Go now, embrace your darkness.

 

Aloha

 

As I approach 30 I find myself doing a lot of soul-searching and self-analysis.  This has led me to face a lot of the shadows in my past.  Some of them I created, some of them I used to hide bad memories or mistakes, and some are just a part of life.  However, all of them, when left unchecked, have the potential to grow and overtake the light in my spirit.  Indeed, at one time or another each of them has, resulting in imbalances that often took a very serious toll on my life and those around me.  As I begin to embrace 30 I also begin to address these shadows, clean what I can from the darkness, and accept them as a part of me rather than avoid them as blights.  Each one has made me who I am today, and each one continues to me an opportunity to grow as a person.

This Mother’s Day we took Hubby’s mom to the zoo.  The day before that I spent with friends and their young daughter.  I had my moments of grief and loss, of nostalgia and loneliness, and even of regret that I hadn’t holed myself up all weekend, but by the end of last night I was happy for the experience and the new clarity it gave me as I move forward.  With that clarity came messages to three generations of who I am. 

To My Mother:

I’m sorry.  For all the things a child cannot articulate.  For all the opportunities to tell you I loved you, to hug you, to spend a day with you that went empty.  For the places in my life where you tried to teach me better only to have me forget or ignore the lessons.  For letting myself hold on for so long to losing you instead of the memories of who you were.  For not having the chance to have an adult Mother-Daughter relationship with the most important person who has ever loved me; the one who loved me enough to give me a chance at life.  I will never take that gift for granted again. Thank you. For continuing to teach me those lessons.  I see you more and more inside me every year, and there are days when I can’t fathom how you managed all that you did with a smile on your face and a song in your heart.  You sacrificed more for me than I will ever truly understand.  You loved even when it hurt, you fought for what you believed in, and you followed the path that felt right for you no matter who tried to tell you otherwise.  There have been so many times in my life when I’ve missed you and longed for your advice.  Thank you for that model.  Forgive me if I’m struggling to do as well as you did.

To My Unborn Child:

I may have never held you in my arms, but you are always in my heart.  I’m sorry.  For not being able to protect you.  For not being able to give you a life.  For being scared and unprepared.  Thank you. For giving me a reason to keep going through one of the darkest points of my life.  For still giving me hope that someday I will be a good Mommy.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and wonder what my life would be like now with you in it.

And finally,

To Myself:

I’m sorry.   For letting you carry this weight on your own for so long.  For abusing and neglecting you.  For the resentment and the guilt.  For never telling you that you were not to blame, that you did everything you could with what you had, and that you were loved.  For leaving you alone in the darkness and depression, hoping you’d eventually just fade away.  Thank you.   For not giving up.  For having the faith I could not.  For being strong, beautiful, and even happy at times despite me.  For believing in us and knowing someday I would come around.  With you on my side I know I can accomplish anything.

There it is, friends.  One of the hardest letters I’ve ever had to write.  Two phrases that far too often go unsaid to our parents, our children, and ourselves.

Aloha

Go now, be at peace.

Last weekend we celebrated Mabon, a festival of harvest and abundance.  We are beginning to reap blessings from the hard work we’ve sown, and we are entering a time when we have to look within to assess what is growing there.  This also makes Mabon a time for cleaning out and letting go of that which no longer enriches and sustains us.  After all, if there isn’t any room for new things they will be left to the elements where most of them will wither and die, and the year’s effort will have been in vain.  In a season of duality and balance, light and dark, there must be a balance between what we store and what we release.

This year has been huge in terms of blessings and progress for our family and as individuals.  This also meant there came a time to re-evaluate what was still beneficial and good in my life.  The answer came swift and hard.  I needed to look closely at the people in my life and decide who I could actually call a “friend”.  No matter how busy my life get I consider my friends family and make it a personal commitment to make sure I never neglect those friendships, sometimes lieu of personal time and attention.  In some cases this has led to beautiful, blossoming friendships that have supported me at my weakest.  In others no matter how hard I try nothing will grow.   Sometimes something wonderful grows, but has its season and fades away.  So why continue to spend valuable time and energy tending these things that are no longer viable in my garden?

This Mabon it was abundantly clear that it was time to thank the superfluous or wilted things in my life for the needs they did fulfill in their own time and acknowledge the need to focus on not just the new, but also the consistently good things that continue to enrich and enliven me.  My next steps are big ones, and I can no longer be distracted and held back by cumbersome sentiments that no longer exist.  Only by being honest with myself and cutting them free can I move on.

It’s been painful, but it’s also been an amazing healing experience.  By tossing aside the detritus in my life I have felt more free, more focused, and more driven than I have in years.  All that extra energy is finally going forward, and the space I’ve made available is full of new possibilities.

This harvest has been bountiful,, and I have no doubt that I will continue to be blessed, nourished, and sustained in the coming season.  This is the breathtaking feeling of balance.  This is the feeling of Mabon.

Go now, harvest something delicious.

Aloha

Sacrifice, whether conscious or circumstantial, is a natural part of any marriage.  In a poly setting it comes into play a little more often.  We sacrifice time, control, and experiences at times to ensure other partners’ needs are being met.  There are certain sacrifices that are more easily accepted than others.  For example, I don’t mind a Friday night alone while Hubby goes to a special event with his secondary.  I do mind if that Friday night happens to be my birthday (which hasn’t happened.  Calm down, it’s just an example.), but if there are mitigating circumstances that make her need more important it might be a sacrifice I’m called upon to make.

Sometimes we spouses feel like our sacrifices are more demanding or plentiful.  This could be a product of time or exposure, or more could be expected of us as life partners.  Either way, we do it for those we love.  Otherwise this lifestyle falls prey to resentment and grudges and cannot be viable.

The balance here is delicate and deserves occasional evaluation to ensure it still exists.  One must ask, “Is my spouse willing to make the same sacrifices? Why am I willing to do so, and is this a healthy choice for my life?”  I can’t tell you what the answers should be, but if I feel satisfied with my answers it helps me reaffirm my desire to love the way I have chosen to love.  If I do not feel satisfied with my answers it is time for a serious heart-to-heart with Hubby to ascertain the cause of my dissatisfaction.  Has there been a perceived slight or miscommunication?  Has some latent insecurity or issue been exhumed?  Is there an actual problem to address?  Unhealthy doesn’t equate to abusive or neglectful any more than the flu equates to a terminal illness.  It merely needs to be treated and expunged.

This brings me to an unusual condition in my experience, refusal to sacrifice.  When Hubby and Emmy went their separate ways I was admittedly relieved.  There had been events during their relationship that I felt were not only disrespectful but detrimental to my marriage.  When they decided to carry on a friendship I expressed some concern to Hubby.  I made it clear that I would not tolerate anything that threw our life back to the tumult in which it had been before, nor would she ever be a welcome fixture in my family.  As time passed it was obvious to me that they were once again becoming more romantically involved, and I resisted.  I simply wouldn’t have it.

My biggest problem was that I had never received an apology for the damage caused to my marriage.  We’ve since repaired it, but I felt that I deserved a simple “I’m sorry” from someone who had hurt me so profoundly, whether or not it was conscious or malicious.  I never did, so my feeling have not been laid to rest.  It felt like a slap in the face for him to ask me to let that go so he could be happy.  He assured me he had already told her that any further issues would not be tolerated and reminded me that the waters had been calm for quite some time.  It took a lot of soul-searching to accept that he was right.

Do I still feel like the decent thing to do would have been to apologize?  Of course I do, but I’ve accepted that that may never happen.  Would I rather Hubby’s relationships be with people with whom I can get along and socialize?  Ideally, yes.  Should the fact that none of these conditions have been met interfere with his happiness?  No, and that’s a hard truth to learn and accept.  At what point was I just being stubborn because I had been hurt?  At what point did it no longer matter where she and I were concerned with each other?  At what point did I need to I make the decision to sacrifice a little pride and comfort and move on so that he can have his experience?

That point comes the moment the balance is tipped.  That point came for us when any serious conversation we had about anything devolved into a fight about Emmy, when it made him resentful that nothing had been resolved even when we weren’t fighting, and when it made me feel wounded any time her name left his lips.  That point came violently with a hint of dishonesty, and we dissolved.  All the work we’d done since Emmy’s departure evaporated, and we were back to failing, only this time it wasn’t her doing.  It was mine.

In the end it was only peripherally about her to begin with.  It was more about us needing to finally purge, close that book, and move on.  We needed to restore our lives to the balance between feeling like all I was doing was sacrificing and asking him to sacrifice an entire relationship, a point we hit near the end when he gave up and offered to never see her again if only it would stop the fighting and make me happy.  I realized then that not only is the answer to my first question “yes, and then some“, but that he needed to play this one out without my interference or restrictions.

Will Emmy and I ever be friends?  Probably not.  Will I ever welcome her as a member of my household?  Doubtful.  Will these feeling change?  I guess anything is possible.  Does it really matter?  No.  I have to trust Hubby to make the right decisions for himself and for our family as he does me.  I have to remember that as long as there are no new issues Emmy has nothing to do with my marriage as it stands at this very moment.  I will continue to be mindful of the lessons this has taught me, but it will no longer occupy my thoughts.

Once the harmony was restored we were able to be Us again, and it was a wonderful feeling.  We’ve had an amazing few weeks since then, and every day we return more and more to the Us we’ve always been under the rippled surface of learning, loving, and living.  We are strong.  We are healthy.  We are love.  All is as it should be.

Go now, move on.

Aloha.

I was going to write this year’s Ostara piece on spring cleaning, as it has been in the forefront of both my mundane and magickal lives on an almost constant basis.  Then our coven met for ritual, and it managed to throw that thought process into a tailspin that changed the scenery of that forefront quite a bit.

This year Ostara was all about balance and equalization, internal and external harmony.  As I reflected quietly on where I needed a little more equilibrium in my life, the term “help not hinder” came to mind.  It is here that I see a fork in my path, and I must make a choice.

Quite often we focus on the obstacles not the opportunities, and in trying to clear them away we lose sight of new doors opening to us.  I have fallen into a magickal rut centered around clearing away instead of manifestation, and I have resorted to merely chasing my tail in an empty space.  This is where I need my balance.

I’ve always been a purger, the time has come to claim my power of manifestation and intuition when it comes to new paths and clearings.  It’s time to unlock and throw open the windows of opportunity and breathe the fresh air they provide.  It’s time to seize what will not wait for me to notice it.  I cannot stop removing the detritus from my life, but that task alone cannot be allowed to consume me or I will be nothing but empty and stagnant.

Ostara reminds me that this is a time for new growth and rejuvenation.  I will not be able to appreciate the spring in my soul while keeping myself holed up in this dusty old perspective and stale routine.  It’s time to feel the sunshine, and my goddess it feels good to be outside.

Even the best laid out roads can lead to surprised; Hubby and I realized this early on in our adventures in polyamory.  Things we thought would be a struggle turned out to be smooth sailing, while things we never imagined would be a problem threatened our integrity as a couple.  This is where it became integral that we remain flexible as individuals while staying steadfast as a partnership.  This was the true test.

In our haste to involve Hubby’s girlfriend, who I am going to call Emmy, we ceased to do anything without her.  Every movie night, every road trip, and every celebration we had involved her.  We started to lose our identity as “us” in many ways, and it was as if we were no longer allowed to do anything without her.  I hate to admit it, but even sex started to wane and fade away.  It was as if our triad had taken over the marriage.  This led to fights, tension, and resentment on both sides.  Much worse, it led to animosity and jealousy on my behalf.  I felt as if my company was no longer good enough, like I was no longer good enough. 

The result of this was a need to exhort my position as Wife.  It sparked one day when Emmy turned to me in the car and announced that she was “not comfortable being anybody’s second”, and I had to remind her that she willingly joined a married couple.  In hindsight I see that I did get a little catty.  Remember this, dear readers, there is a thin line between owning your position and lording it over your partner’s other partners.  Kissing your husband is acceptable.  Body checking his partner to kiss him is not. 

Another overzealous oversight was the boundaries we had set in our early conversations with Emmy about how our triad would function.  In these kinds of situations it is easy to assume everyone is on the same level and ready to move forward, perhaps beyond set parameters.  Hubby, being the hinge that joined the two women, took the reigns and ran with them a little too voraciously than either of us was prepared to handle. 

To help a little further I have compiled a list of a few other things to avoid once you have found an active third to your relationship.

  • “Ooh Shiny Syndrom”- As with any new relationship there will be that “new love” feel.  This is a good thing, but try not to let it give you an excuse to ignore the original partner.  This only leads to hurt feelings and resentment.  There is also the tendency to not see anything negative with the new partner, which leads to unfair comparisons.  You may have lived with your original partner for some time, so you know his bad habits.  The new addition can be selective about the habits she shows you, at least in the beginning.  Think of John Cusack’s proposal scene in “Say Anything”.  

 

  • The “G” Word- Gossip.  Avoid running to your new confidante to gossip, complain, or cry to your new partner about the original partner.  Hubby and I were both guilty of this in the beginning.  I needed a woman’s perspective and he felt the need to tell her every growing pain I was feeling with our relationship.  As a result her initial impression of me was not very good.  I still feel the after-effects of it, and it has affected our ability to open with each other.  Any time we fight on the phone he calls her to vent, but I am left with my own feelings and emotions to process.  I have done my share of venting to Emmy, and afterwards I feel slightly childish, and it puts Emmy in an awkward position.  Our arguments should remain just that, ours. 

 

  • “Pussyfooting”- This one may not be as obvious.  You may even think you are helping a situation by making one of the members of your happy little family feel better.  In reality, when they find out that you are only doing or not doing things “out of respect for (their) emotions” they feel foolish, suspicious, and paranoid.  For a while Hubby would not tell Emmy he loved her in front of me.  When I found out they had been exchanging those feelings for some time I confronted him about it, and that was the answer.  Respect for my emotions.  It made me wonder what other things could be explained away so easily on my behalf, and it caused a dent in my trust.  In  his opinion it was no big deal, but it changed the way I viewed their relationship for a long time.

 

  • Disappointment- Do you remember what it was like to be single?  Do you remember what first dated were like?  Do you remember the disappointment when things just did not work out?  Why do you think this will be any different?  Polyamorists are neither more enlightened nor more compatible with each other than any other person looking for a relationship.  Hubby and I have had plenty of flops, believe me.  At times it was daunting, especially with such a specialized dating pool, but we kept trying.  Even if this relationship does not work out int he long run, we know it has been a positive experience above all the flops.

This has all helped us hone another skill.  Conflict resolution.  I tend to get defensive when I feel hurt or rejected, and I tend to feel hurt and rejected when someone starts chosing other people or activities over time with me.  Did we have genuine issues to resolve?  Of course we did, but me getting defensive and crying and Hubby getting frustrated and shutting down because I could not see things his way was never going to fix those issues.  Over the past few months we have worked extremely diligently to improve our conflict resolution process, and it has done our marriage a world of good. 

We are just now finding the balance and compromise needed for this arrangement to function.  Each of us has had to make sacrifices.  I have given up time with Hubby.  Emmy has given up a little of her independence and has taken up a little responsibility to help our household run smoothly.   Hubby has accepted that some of the things I have asked for from him are not unreasonable, and he has taken the initiative to be a better partner to me and to Emmy.  I believe we all have, and will continue to, change  for the better if we can keep that balance and spirit of compromise alive.

The biggest piece of advice I can give is to not let polyamory ruin your marriage.  There is nothing worth risking a strong relationship that can not be worked out and used as a learning experience. 

Now go…love someone.

Blogs I bookmark and you should too!

Snippets and Scribbles

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 1,065 other followers